Looking Back, Looking Forward

This morning's church service was pretty difficult for Phillip and me. Greg and Tommy answered some questions that people in our church have had about pain and suffering. It's impossible to actually come to any real resolution on this subject, especially in less than an hour. But I think they did a really good job of tackling the subject.

Anyway, this service caused me to think about some things that I don't think of so much anymore. For the first time in a while, I thought about Evan. I thought about holding him and seeing him. I thought about being pregnant with him and feeling him move within me. I thought about the cast we have of his little hands and feet prints. I thought about the memorial service we had for him and the two babies we lost before him. I remembered again why we feel so bonded to some close friends of ours. It was good to let myself think of that stuff again. But it was also very difficult. I was told to be prepared but you really can't be prepared for emotion. It just comes when it comes and goes when it goes. You can't really do a whole lot to prepare for it either way.

After I got home from church, I got on my blog and read some stuff that I wrote during that time in our lives. I have not revisited those words in a very long time. In fact, the link to June 2005 is a link that I avoid even looking at, let alone actually clicking on. But today I did. I read all of it again and I'm very glad that I chose to write during that time. I could have decided to keep it all to myself. But if I had kept it to myself it would not have been there to comfort me today. I'm glad that I am able to go back and be reminded (by myself of all people) that God is faithful. I'm relieved to see that someone can live through that and come out on the other side with their sanity (sort of) and their sense of humor intact.

I'm glad I wrote it because in a different way, we are facing again the possible loss of another baby we have come to love. The terror that gripped me back then has been creeping back in lately and I read some things today that I needed to hear. To quote myself, I read that.....

"These babies were never mine to hold onto in the first place." - June 14, 2005

"...But until then I will trust that God is sovereign, He is on His throne, He has not forsaken me, and He desires and deserves my love." - June 14, 2005

"But the thing is that He is God. And I'm not saying that He does cause or allow things to happen, but so what if He does? He's God, and who am I to question what He is doing?" - July 31, 2005

"I look forward to seeing how I will be refined for His purpose. I welcome whatever else God sees fit to add to my job description. Bring it on! I'm ready! And for the times when I am not ready, that is when He will show Himself to me in ways I never could have imagined." - July 31, 2005

"Embrace your joy, but know that it may be paired with grief." - July 13, 2005

And so, by looking back on some things that I wrote in the past, I have been given a little nudge to look forward to the future. I'm still scared of losing another baby. But I know that whatever happens, I will be o.k. I will persevere. I will be comforted and I will provide comfort. This life is a blink. I am here to learn. Every good thing is a gift from God. For however long we have it, it is a gift. My children are gifts for however long I have them. I'm so thankful right now that my arms are full. I hope to always consider this time in my life as a blessed time no matter what the outcome may be.