Innocence

Sometimes I imagine myself as a child. Sweaty and stinky like a little puppy, running barefoot in the grass, chasing boys. Little girls can smell like puppies too. It’s not just a boy thing. I had a favorite t-shirt that said, “Anything boys can do, girls can do better.” Back then I really lived up to that t-shirt.

I think about that little girl and I want her to be spared from the pain of growing up. I wish I could shield her from it. I think about that cute little, carefree, tangled hair girl and I grieve for her. I wonder if she’s still hanging around. She will fall asleep so many times on a wet pillow. She will cry until she can’t squeeze out another drop. I long to go back to those days of innocence. I wonder with every gray hair I see and pluck out and every tear I hold back if I am further loosing myself forever. Other times I think I am more who I am meant to be now than I have ever been before. Things are so confusing. Life is such a puzzle. And I have never been any good at puzzles. Even when I was little and cute, I was no good at puzzles then either.

All of this makes me think about my son. What does his life hold for him? What will he endure? We all endure something. I couldn’t protect myself from hurt and I can’t really protect him either. I will try because that’s just what mothers do, but I will fail. My dreams for him are immeasurably great.

But I guess I can’t dwell on that stuff. Right now he’s little and cute and smells like a puppy and I’ll just hold onto that as long as I can.