I feel stuck. I am stuck. I wish I could write all about it, but I don't feel I have the freedom to that. Even writing what I am going to write won't sit well with some people.
I am not where I'm supposed to be. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm playing a game to keep people happy. I hate those kinds of games. And I'm pretty sure I'm not making anyone happy anyway. I know the things I am passionate about. I know my gifts. I know what burdens me. I know things about myself that many people live their whole lives and never figure out. But instead of doing those things, I am stuck doing things that I don't feel are valuable. That does not mean that those things are really unimportant. They just aren't important to me. I don't know where or what I am supposed to be doing that would fill this void. I want to be vital to something. Is that asking too much? I am vital to my family. I know they need me. And I'm afraid I'm giving them a fraction of myself because I'm being drained in other areas of my life. I have no one to blame but myself. I am allowing this to continue. I feel like I'm waiting for something. I feel like I'm waiting for someone to see something in me under the surface and tell me what I'm supposed to do with it. But that's not going to happen. Because others are too stuck in their own existance to help me release anything within myself just as I'm too stuck to be able to see others as they should be seen. There is something so blinding about going through the motions of life. Exhausting and blinding. I'm so tired and consumed with my unfulfilled life that I can't see through the fog. I am happy in so many areas. I have so much to look forward to. But at the core of who I am, I feel like I've missed the mark. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting on God to move. But I think the truth is that He is waiting on me.
What if He waits on me my whole life? How long will He wait before He throws up His hands and stops wasting His time? When will all the things He's given me begin to atrophy in such a way that I don't even feel the void anymore? I'm almost hoping for that.
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Jenny Hintze
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10 comments:
I'm sure you probably don't want me to chime in, but you know me. =)
Anyway, I'm going to work on the pretext you aren't just being whiney and feeling sorry for yourself. I don't think you are doing either of those, but I wanted to get it out there for anyone else that may read my comments.
That said, it seems to be you're feeling the heat from dancing close to the Refiner's Fire. You're right on that edge. Think about it — there are only 3 places to be in relation to said fire: out of it/away from it, inside it, or through it.
If you're outside/away from the fire, you don't feel any heat. You see the fire, you know it's there — but it's not having any effect on you. This can't be you, because you're obviously feeling the effects.
If you're through the fire, the discomfort is gone. Once you're through the fire, the conversion is complete. This can't be you because you're still at ill-ease. You aren't looking back through the flame, thinking about how you remember being there.
This leaves us with the threshold. This is the point where we begin to walk to the flame, and as we do, the more we feel its effect on us. The heat, the discomfort. If we keep walking, we pass through the wall of the flame, and the burning begins. The change begins. The modification begins. This, to me, seems to be where you are.
The issue, then, is how long we must be within the flame. That depends upon the source and what particular part of us is being molded. We have the benefit of being spiritual beings, so our whole Self doesn't have to get refined at once — this is a good thing! Maybe we need our attitude refined, or our tongue. There but for the grace of God, He can do such fine refining. Really, though, that's beside the point.
So what is the point? There's only one really good place to be in relation to the fire: going through it. If I'm away from it, I don't profit God in any way, much less myself. If I'm through it, I run the risk of stagnation and becoming "high and mighty." But if I'm in the middle of it, and I can feel God tugging and pulling and pushing and burning, then I know that He's at work on me.
Uncomfortable? Yes. Unbearable? At times. But remember that it's the Hand of God at the tools. He's molding you. Bending, twisting, stressing — all because He wants you to do something. Something. The struggle you have is that you don't know 110% what that something is — and that's yet another part of the fire: faith.
The Master Craftsman is at work in your life, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling the struggle. Now the ball is in your court, and it's up to you to walk through the fire while not knowing what's on the other side — but knowing Who guides you. Let that be the well you get strength from. Find comfort in knowing that you wouldn't be feeling what you're feeling if the Creator of the Universe wasn't tweaking your soul.
That's Good Knowledge. That's a loving and personal God. Revel in it, look at it with anticipation for how it will change your life and those around you.
Maury,
Prescription before proper diagnosis is not profitable. Judging by what I read, I don't know if we can really help or advise Jenny yet without jumping to conclusions. More listening and asking the right questions is necessary. Telling her what she probably already knows might make her feel more helpless because she has been trying her best to feel/do those things. I am making some assumptions, but she has been going through this for a while (as I have been able to read for a while) and certainly knows God's role in her life.
Jenny.... Crash those cymbals!
Mayhap you should reread my post Donnie. I'm pretty sure she knows where I'm coming from, too. I'll let her and Phillip reprimand me if/when I need it.
Ok, first of all, let's not talk about me like I'm not here.
And I don't need to be fixed or diagnosed. I really appreciate any objective thoughts on the funk that I'm in. If it's a funk. I do know that God is working on me, but it's nice to be affirmed in that. Sometimes I just want to ignore the things that eat at me. I just want to sail through life and be oblivious to things that aren't right and just paint my toe nails and have a latte. I think that sometimes that would be easier. But that would mean pushing away the unsettled feelings that I know God has put in me. I know that God is working on me and preparing me for something. I can't be alone in wishing, though, that He would be done. That's all, really. I don't want a solution or a prescription. I just want to know that other people feel like this. I just want other people to know that I feel like this.
We all go through these crappy valleys (or whatever you'd like to call them). I wasn't trying to sound like I was being Dr. Phil or anything, I was just commenting on how I see things as I've gone through the same (but different) low spots in my life/walk/etc.
I'll shut up now. =)
Crappy Valley... sounds like a cheap wine.
For whatever it's worth, I relate somewhat to your post Jenny. I've been learning to say "no" this week to some opportunities with our church I thought I'd been waiting for. I finally realized that I'd understood the lesson -- to be willing, but also be responsible with the time I'm given. Better to say no than to work at a level that serves no one. Some might not find that very popular -- we have a tendancy to bear down and hope it gets better, but I'm finding in my study and prayer that sometimes that's a lie out of Hell. The deceiver would rather we be confused and busy than clear-headed and effective. I don't know if that matters/helps/relates, but, as the poet once penned, "whoomp, there it is."
Maybe I used bad terms, I don't mean diagnosed like I think you might be crazy or something. But sometimes more listening is better than being quick to advise.... that is where I was coming from. Yes, we all go through that and hope you continue to push through your funk with courage.
I wasn't trying to reprimand, just trying to introduce a new strategy. It worked in my small group when I tried it. But if we never get down to the depth, we miss out. That is what I have been learning lately.
you aren't alone in how you feel. you are brave to admit it outloud, however. i can't speak for how you feel or what God is doing but i can speak for my own self and say that if there's a longing in my heart for more or to do more...it's usually God lighting that in me to tell me He wants more. And finding that spot where I am fulfilling His desires is tough when you don't know where that is. I have gone through a similar thing as of lately so I am glad to hear others go through it...sometimes it's a lonely feeling.
let's get together sometime soon.
Jenny, it's not just you. I've felt this off and on. Sadly, it depends on how well I feel I'm doing my job.
It's hard to admit it and you're awesome for doing so. It's going to be interesting to see what comes from this for you.
Oh my goodness! I don't know exactly what's going on in your life right now--not feeling vital is kind of general. I know I've felt that way before at times too. Life can be so darn frustrating sometimes, especially when you don't know what all God has planned for you or He throws a wrench in things. But let me tell you what I've had to recite in my head over and over again since I found out I was pregnant--it may help you too--God does NOT make mistakes; sometimes He sure surprises the heck out of us, but He does NOT make mistakes. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it's there. Just keep on truckin' and it will be revealed. I don't know when, but I know it will sooner or later. Many happy thoughts and prayers go out to you. Hope you feel better soon! :)
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