Thursday, April 26, 2007

Who Cares?

Yesterday and today I keep hearing about Rosie O'Donnell quitting The View. So what! Who gives a rip? I didn't even know she was on The View until she quit. I think she is one of the most obnoxious human beings alive today.....and one of the prettiest. Ha!


Sunday, April 22, 2007

Busted!

We got back from the Emergency Room a little while ago. Jackson busted his lip up pretty good. I think he was trying to "help" Phillip lift his curl bar when he fell off of the office chair and ate the curl bar. Anyway, these things happen with little boys. Thankfully, he was actually dressed when it happened. Usually he's just running around in his underwear. He was a pretty tough kid through the whole thing. He ended up with five stitches on the outer part of his lip and two stitches on the inside. This is Jackson's first experience with the Emergency Room. They actually got us in and out of there in about an hour and a half. That's pretty amazing. So, anyway, here are some pictures. He looks quite a bit different than he did in the pictures from yesterday.


Saturday, April 21, 2007

Almost 5

Jackson will be five years old in less than two weeks. That is really hard to believe. We went to my mom's house today and I got some pictures of Jackson and Baby M. Here are a few of Jackson. He's such a cutie.




Friday, April 20, 2007

Canceled

Well, the visit today was canceled. I wasn't given a reason and I couldn't post it on here even if I was. But I am SO EXCITED AND RELIEVED! This is yet another small victory for us. I'm smiling from ear to ear as I type this. Thanks for praying.

Visit today

We have a scheduled visit today with M.'s bio. mom. It will just be one hour supervised, but I still dread these visits. I get pretty nervous when I drive up to the place and get ready to go inside. I guess as time goes by, maybe I won't get so nervous anymore. Anyway, please pray for us today. I really hope she decides to cancel the visit. That would make my day.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

You are wanted

Some friends of ours had a baby girl yesterday morning. She has been long awaited. She was born into a wonderful family with many adoring friends. We went to the hospital to visit her. It is such a neat thing to be a part of the excitement that a new baby brings. There were several groups of people gathered around the nursery windows looking at the wrinkled, little screaming newborns. Everyone thinks that the baby they are there to see is the cutest one in the nursery. It is so cool to be part of the celebration of a new life.


As we were there looking at those babies, I couldn't help thinking about baby M. Who was there to adore him through the glass? Who was there taking pictures of him and going on and on about his hair color or long eyelashes? Was his entrance into this world overlooked until he got to our house? How sad to think that this beautiful child could have spent the first two days of his life without being bathed in the excitement most other babies are bathed in. Did he have a nursery waiting for him with his biological family? Did his mom have a baby shower and receive gifts she has not had a chance to use? Somehow, I doubt it.

When he got to our house, all of that changed. He became the most beautiful baby in the world. He received gifts and was doted over. He was photographed. He had an instant family. He was kissed and held and whispered to. He was placed in a room that was lovingly prepared for him. He was wanted.

I tell him that a lot. I know he doesn't understand what I'm saying to him. But I think he needs to hear it anyway. I hold him close and I whisper in his ear, "You are wanted. You are not a mistake. You are a gift and right now at this time in your life, you are wanted."

Sunday, April 15, 2007

My boys

After I got done with my previous post, I went into the living room to find this sight. Aren't they cute?

Looking Back, Looking Forward

This morning's church service was pretty difficult for Phillip and me. Greg and Tommy answered some questions that people in our church have had about pain and suffering. It's impossible to actually come to any real resolution on this subject, especially in less than an hour. But I think they did a really good job of tackling the subject.

Anyway, this service caused me to think about some things that I don't think of so much anymore. For the first time in a while, I thought about Evan. I thought about holding him and seeing him. I thought about being pregnant with him and feeling him move within me. I thought about the cast we have of his little hands and feet prints. I thought about the memorial service we had for him and the two babies we lost before him. I remembered again why we feel so bonded to some close friends of ours. It was good to let myself think of that stuff again. But it was also very difficult. I was told to be prepared but you really can't be prepared for emotion. It just comes when it comes and goes when it goes. You can't really do a whole lot to prepare for it either way.

After I got home from church, I got on my blog and read some stuff that I wrote during that time in our lives. I have not revisited those words in a very long time. In fact, the link to June 2005 is a link that I avoid even looking at, let alone actually clicking on. But today I did. I read all of it again and I'm very glad that I chose to write during that time. I could have decided to keep it all to myself. But if I had kept it to myself it would not have been there to comfort me today. I'm glad that I am able to go back and be reminded (by myself of all people) that God is faithful. I'm relieved to see that someone can live through that and come out on the other side with their sanity (sort of) and their sense of humor intact.

I'm glad I wrote it because in a different way, we are facing again the possible loss of another baby we have come to love. The terror that gripped me back then has been creeping back in lately and I read some things today that I needed to hear. To quote myself, I read that.....

"These babies were never mine to hold onto in the first place." - June 14, 2005

"...But until then I will trust that God is sovereign, He is on His throne, He has not forsaken me, and He desires and deserves my love." - June 14, 2005

"But the thing is that He is God. And I'm not saying that He does cause or allow things to happen, but so what if He does? He's God, and who am I to question what He is doing?" - July 31, 2005

"I look forward to seeing how I will be refined for His purpose. I welcome whatever else God sees fit to add to my job description. Bring it on! I'm ready! And for the times when I am not ready, that is when He will show Himself to me in ways I never could have imagined." - July 31, 2005

"Embrace your joy, but know that it may be paired with grief." - July 13, 2005

And so, by looking back on some things that I wrote in the past, I have been given a little nudge to look forward to the future. I'm still scared of losing another baby. But I know that whatever happens, I will be o.k. I will persevere. I will be comforted and I will provide comfort. This life is a blink. I am here to learn. Every good thing is a gift from God. For however long we have it, it is a gift. My children are gifts for however long I have them. I'm so thankful right now that my arms are full. I hope to always consider this time in my life as a blessed time no matter what the outcome may be.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Fat Healthy Baby

Little M. is getting so big and chunky. He's just got the cutest little rolly body. I wish I could post some pictures of him. But most of you who read this see him somewhat regularly anyway. I want to take him out somewhere like the College or something soon and get some more pictures of him. I want to get some of him in just his diaper so it needs to be kind of warm outside. We have absolutely fallen in love with this baby. He's very pleasant. He doesn't cry very often. He wakes up in the morning talking and smiling. This has been a time in our lives that we will always remember very fondly. He's just really cool.

Monday, April 09, 2007

What will I be when I grow up?

Until recently, I haven't given a whole lot of thought to what kind of career I might want to have some day. I haven't wanted to have any kind of career as long as I have preschoolers at home. Jack will be starting kindergarten in the fall. And of course, we are hoping like crazy we are able to adopt the new little guy. If that happens, I would continue to stay home and just work part time until he is school aged. But if things don't go the way we hope, I may think about going to work full time...for the first time in my life. I really don't like the thought of going to a job early in the morning Mon-Fri and getting home just in time to start cooking dinner. But, it would really allow us to get ourselves in a much better financial situation.

Anyway, I think at some point down the road I'll probably go through an alternative certification program for becoming a teacher. Here is the website for the Region IV alternative certification program. I have enough core hours for Early Childhood Generalist. So, assuming I could get a position locally, I could teach kindergarten-fourth grade. I think I would like that...at least for two or three years. I could also teach Secondary Business courses. That would be AWESOME!! Oh man, I think I'd rather be beaten and left for dead. O.k., I guess it wouldn't be that bad. If I taught for three years or so, we could probably pay off our house and cars and then I would never have to work again. That would be the only reason I would be willing to do it. I think during those three years I would be a horrible person to live with. I barely keep up with house work and grocery shopping now so I can't imagine how I'd do it if I were working full time. I know lots of women do it but I'm not sure if I could handle it for very long.

Sort of along the same lines, but not really....
I believe that some day (hopefully before we're old and gray) either me or Phillip or both of us will have careers that we love. That is really a dream of mine. Phillip likes his job o.k., but he is capable of so much more. Not that teaching isn't a noble and necessary field, but I feel like he's barely tapping into his musical abilities and gifts in his current job. I guess most people probably feel like their job is just a way to pay the bills. We are grateful for his job and that is does pay the bills. I think we both are really hoping for more some day. We need to find somewhere within ourselves the drive to make our dreams a reality.

Poor Kiefer

Well, it's kind of strange that I just blogged about our cat a few days ago. Kiefer got hit by a car this morning and died. Poor little thing. He was only about 6 months old. He was pretty bad about laying down in the middle of the road and not moving out of the way of cars.

I think the hardest thing about it was having to tell Jackson. That cat slept on Jack's bed almost every night. After I picked Jackson up from preschool, I pulled over in a parking lot and parked the truck and told him to come sit in the front seat with me. I told him that Kiefer got hit by a car. He asked me if he was still alive. When he realized he was dead, his eyes welled up with tears and in a quivering voice he said, "Well, we'll just have to get a new kitty." He said that if we get a new kitty, he'll be more fun than our other kitty. Man, I guess I was expecting a little more sympathy from Jackson. When we were almost home he said, "He was just a baby kitty. And it's more sad when baby kitties get hit by cars than when kid kitties or gown up kitties get hit by cars." I told him I agreed with that.

So, anyway, I'm pretty sad about the whole thing. He was a really good cat. And as far as I'm concerned a good cat is hard to come by. I don't think Phillip and I are going to be just real eager to run out and get another cat. I guess we'll have to see how Jack feels about things over the next few days. Overall, we have not had very good luck with cats.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

A BIRD!!

A BIRD...HE KILLED A BIRD..

OOPS, MY BAD! (I hate it when people say that.)

The Cat

In an effort to avoid cleaning the house, I thought I would take a few minutes to write about our cat.

First of all, he is a much better cat than our previous cat, Travis. Travis was a royal pain in the butt from the moment we got him. He had a really loud whine that drove us all crazy. Kiefer, the new cat, doesn't do that. He rarely ever meows. We occasionally hear him whine a little, but he's not very persistent. If he doesn't get what he wants, he just moves on with his life. He stays outside most of the time, but we let him for a little while everyday. He just comes in and eats and sleeps. If he wants to go back outside, he just goes and lays down in front of the front door until someone notices he's there. We can't leave any of the baby's stuff laying around or he'll get it and decide it's a toy. He's chewed up two pacifiers and one bottle nipple so far. But other than that, he's pretty cool. He killed (or destroyed as Jack would say) a few days ago and drug it onto our porch. It's probably still there. I'm certainly not going to deal with it. Man, you know there's nothing noteworthy going on if I have to blog about our cat.



Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Surprise!

As I was taking Jackson to preschool today, I passed by a church that likes to post "clever" sayings out on their message board thing. Today it said, "Surprise God: Show up Easter Sunday." I think that is really tacky. Just thought I would share.