The Winning Dance

Jackson made up this dance a couple of months ago when he "won" a game of Candy Land against Uncle Josh and Ashley. Debbie recorded it the other night and we put it on You Tube. Notice the occasional booty shaking.

Sick as a dog

Check back in a few days for a post about what I recently learned about idol worship and how that relates to me...and you. Right now I feel like total crap and don't feel much like writing.

Peace out.

Look at my lip

Jackson and Phillip were play wrestling on the bed and Jack's lip and Phillip's fist accidentally collided. So this is Jackson showing off his busted lip.

Flickr link

Innocence

Sometimes I imagine myself as a child. Sweaty and stinky like a little puppy, running barefoot in the grass, chasing boys. Little girls can smell like puppies too. It’s not just a boy thing. I had a favorite t-shirt that said, “Anything boys can do, girls can do better.” Back then I really lived up to that t-shirt.

I think about that little girl and I want her to be spared from the pain of growing up. I wish I could shield her from it. I think about that cute little, carefree, tangled hair girl and I grieve for her. I wonder if she’s still hanging around. She will fall asleep so many times on a wet pillow. She will cry until she can’t squeeze out another drop. I long to go back to those days of innocence. I wonder with every gray hair I see and pluck out and every tear I hold back if I am further loosing myself forever. Other times I think I am more who I am meant to be now than I have ever been before. Things are so confusing. Life is such a puzzle. And I have never been any good at puzzles. Even when I was little and cute, I was no good at puzzles then either.

All of this makes me think about my son. What does his life hold for him? What will he endure? We all endure something. I couldn’t protect myself from hurt and I can’t really protect him either. I will try because that’s just what mothers do, but I will fail. My dreams for him are immeasurably great.

But I guess I can’t dwell on that stuff. Right now he’s little and cute and smells like a puppy and I’ll just hold onto that as long as I can.

Nightmare

I had a really bad dream last night, or I guess it was really this morning. Anyway, I was back in highschool, but I was the age/weight/life experience that I am now if that makes any sense. In the dream I was informed that I was needed to fill in for someone in a basketball game.

I don't play basketball.

So I put on these little shorts with my pasty white legs. I never wear shorts in public.....EVER. I went into the game...sort of. But basically they just wanted me to be in the court so our team would have enough "players" or they would have to forfeit. My shoes kept coming untied, but then when I would go to re-tie them, they were in knots. (Dreams don't usually make much sense.) So all I did the whole game was untie the knots in my shoes and tie them correctly so I could look down a minute later and they were in knots again.

This kind of thing really happened to me when I was a freshman in highschool. I attempted to play basketball my freshman year of highschool. But I was TERRIBLE. I never missed practice and I just never got any better. I never even learned how to do a lay-up. I never could get the opposite arm/leg thing going. They only put me in one game the whole season. They put me in because a girl broke her ankle and I was the only extra one there. It was so painful. We all had to play the rest of the game. We lost by like 50 points or something. I don't think I got a single basket, rebound, block....utterly pitiful. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.

Anyway, it was quite a relief to wake up this morning and realize that I wasn't really in very short shorts bending over messing with my shoes in front of hundreds of people. What a nightmare!

Not Travis

I got an e-mail about that cat. It's not Travis. Oh well. Jackson said that he wants to get a different cat than Travis anyway. There's a really cute orange and white cat at Petco. But I'm pretty sure Phillip will decline.

Children's Museum

We went to the Houston Children's Museum on Saturday. It was pretty cool and really cheap at only 5 bucks/person. Jackson had a good time. Man, you could stay in that place for three of four hours if you had the patience. We were there for an hour and a half. I'm just now getting around to posting some pictures.

Travis stuff

I tried to call the SPCA this morning but they don't open until Tuesday at noon. So, I'll try again tomorrow. I'm wondering if it is Travis, how much will I have to pay to get him back? I'm going to have to take Jackson with me, so I hope it's not some outrageous amount or they'll just have to keep him (not Jackson....Travis). We'll see what happens tomorrow. I know all of you are waiting in great anticipation.

Possible Travis sighting

I decided to check the Brazoria County SPCA website just to see if by some long shot Travis was there. And I found this picture of a cat named "Carter" who is an altered male. For those of you who know Travis well, what do you think? "Carter" is the brown striped cat. I e-mailed them and I plan on calling them first thing in the morning.



Below is a picture that we took of Travis in March. I really think it looks like the same cat. But I'd better not get my hopes up. I actually prayed for that cat last night. Just that if he is alive that we would be able to find him.

Hickin' up

I woke up with violent hick ups. Jack thinks it's pretty funny. A few years ago a little friend of ours (Reagan) was about Jack's age and when she had the hick ups she said that her mouth was hickin' up. We heard her say it one time and it has stuck. We use that phrase any time one of has the hick ups.

Somewhat along the same lines.....
It's funny how you kind of grasp onto little things that kids say and keep saying them long after the kid stops. We have many of those kinds of "sayings." Some are from Jackson, some are from my nieces who are now adults, some are from kids I babysat, or just various other kids we've known in our lives.

Lazy Week

I really don't have a whole lot to do this week. I don't have much going on at work. And that's good because I can't really be there anyway. Phillip is working and Jackson hasn't started pre-school yet so I need to be here to take care of him. I guess Jack and I will just be hanging out for the next two weeks.

Things went pretty good this weekend with the 14 months old kiddo. She's a good baby. Jack thought she was pretty funny but he didn't like her putting his toys in her mouth. Can't say I blame him. He got pretty insulted when I fixed her milk before his on Sunday morning. We'll see how he does when there's another kid in the house on a regular basis.

So unless we get a placement call this week or next, I'm just going to relax and enjoy not having much to do. Now that I saw a glimpse of how hard it will be to have two little kids, I'm not waiting by the phone for it to ring. We are just going to enjoy being the three of us until things change.

Have you seen Travis?

Our cat, Travis is gone. He faithfully never leaves the confines of our front yard or porch. But we haven't seen him since Wednesday or Thursday. I didn't really notice he wasn't around whining and driving me nuts until Thursday. I can't really imagine someone stealing him. And I don't know why anyone would hurt him because he doesn't bother anybody but us. Some squirrel has been eating the food that I put out for him on Thursday. I think the squirrel took him out so he could eat his food. I looked around the house a little bit tonight with a flashlight to see if I could find his dead body. I didn't see (or smell) anything. Maybe he just decided he didn't want to live with us anymore. That's fine. Whatever. I just hope he doesn't turn up in a few days hurt bad enough to go to the vet. I don't want to put out any money for that dang cat.

Ok, I'm a little concerned about him. I hope if he is dead, it was painless.

So far, so good

Things are going farily well with our temporary addition. She's doing amazingly well considering we are perfect strangers. She went to sleep last night about 9:00 and slept until 8:00 this morning. That's better than Jack has ever done in his life. And she uses a fork. I told Phillip this morning that I'm pretty sure Jack didn't use a fork this well when he was her age. And Phillip said, "He barely uses one now." Anyway, things are going good. She's fighting a nap right now so she's kind of hollering off and on. I know she wants me to go in there and pick her fanny up, but I'm trying to let her go to sleep on her own.

Having a one year old in the house has made us think about expanding our requested age for our placement. We could take a one year old. It's still pretty much a baby. And this is a really cool age. As of now we've requested 0-4 months. Anyway, we've got some thinking to do.

Baby for the weekend

Well, it looks like we might be getting our feet wet over the weekend. We got a call tonight asking if we would be willing to provide respite (relief) care for a one year old little girl for the weekend. I think we probably will. Jackson will be gone camping with the grandparents all weekend. So, it would be a good time to do it since he won't be here. Things have already been pretty confusing for him and he might not understand a baby coming just for a few days. So, anyway, those of you who go to our church, if you see us with another kiddo this weekend, she's not ours. She's just kind of a temp. It should be fun. We'll see.

Turtle

The other night Phillp and I were just talking about random stuff. We got to talking about Jackson and some of the things he does and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Well, I was laughing so hard I was crying. Phillip doesn't really do that. Anyway, we were talking about how Jack likes to be a "turtle" sometimes. The way he becomes a turtle is by putting the toilet lid down on his back while he's taking a poop. It drives me crazy. It's so gross! Every time he does it, I gripe at him about how gross that is and that he needs to stop. And every time he just calmly says, "But I'm a turtle." Some of the funniest things he has ever done or said have been while perched upon the toilet.

Stuck

I feel stuck. I am stuck. I wish I could write all about it, but I don't feel I have the freedom to that. Even writing what I am going to write won't sit well with some people.

I am not where I'm supposed to be. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm playing a game to keep people happy. I hate those kinds of games. And I'm pretty sure I'm not making anyone happy anyway. I know the things I am passionate about. I know my gifts. I know what burdens me. I know things about myself that many people live their whole lives and never figure out. But instead of doing those things, I am stuck doing things that I don't feel are valuable. That does not mean that those things are really unimportant. They just aren't important to me. I don't know where or what I am supposed to be doing that would fill this void. I want to be vital to something. Is that asking too much? I am vital to my family. I know they need me. And I'm afraid I'm giving them a fraction of myself because I'm being drained in other areas of my life. I have no one to blame but myself. I am allowing this to continue. I feel like I'm waiting for something. I feel like I'm waiting for someone to see something in me under the surface and tell me what I'm supposed to do with it. But that's not going to happen. Because others are too stuck in their own existance to help me release anything within myself just as I'm too stuck to be able to see others as they should be seen. There is something so blinding about going through the motions of life. Exhausting and blinding. I'm so tired and consumed with my unfulfilled life that I can't see through the fog. I am happy in so many areas. I have so much to look forward to. But at the core of who I am, I feel like I've missed the mark. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting on God to move. But I think the truth is that He is waiting on me.

What if He waits on me my whole life? How long will He wait before He throws up His hands and stops wasting His time? When will all the things He's given me begin to atrophy in such a way that I don't even feel the void anymore? I'm almost hoping for that.

Almost Perfect

Jackson was watching Noggin this morning when this song, I'm not Perfect came on. When she got to the part that says, "You're not perfect...." Jack said, "I am perfect." I'm glad he's confident and all, but we might need to start teaching him a little humility.

Flash Back

I was looking through some of Jackson's baby pictures and I came across these. These are probably two of the funniest baby pictures on the planet!!

What's the deal with w00t?

I gotta know. What does w00t mean? I mean, I know that it means like "wow" or "cool" or something like that. But does it stand for something? I thought it was just some strange Maury thing so I just blew it off, but I've seen other people write it too so now I'm curious. Phillip said that it's just some nerdy internet thing. But to the people who often use the "word" w00t, do you say "woot" outloud in your "virtual" life? Is "woot" part of your regular daily vocabulary? I think I would like to be around someone that said that instead of "wow" or "cool." I think that person would be very easy to make fun of without feeling guilty.

Waiting......

We are still waiting for the phone call. This is the worst part of the whole thing. Ok, that's not true. CPR/1st Aid training was the worst part. But this is pretty rough too. Every time the phone rings, I get all hopeful...and then it usually ends up being my mother. I'm not sleeping well because I'm so anxious. I'm just ready to get that baby in this house. I thought last Friday would be my last full Friday at work, but it's Friday again and I'm gearing up to go in all day. Once the baby gets here, I'm dropping my hours to less than half of what I'm working now. And I am VERY ready for that part of it too. Anyway, I know that we'll survive this part of it. And very soon we'll get the phone call we've been waiting for. I think I've heard somewhere that the last mile or two in a marathon is the hardest. Even after we get her, the marathon won't be over. Not until she's legally ours. And then, we'll probably start this whole process over again.

Audio File??

How do you add an audio file to a post? I was going to put one of Jackson's favorite songs on here for eveyone's listening pleasure, but I don't know how to do it. We have the song in Itunes. Phillip isn't home to help me.

Jackson stuff

Here's a couple more pictures that I took at the park on Sunday. I think these are the only two out of over 100 where he is actually looking at me and smiling.





I just thought of a kind of amusing Jackson moment that took place on Saturday evening. Jack was wearing a t-shirt that says "Mr. Genius." Our pastor's wife asked him what his shirt said and he said, "I don't know what it says." So much for the genius thing.

Jackson started crying yesterday morning after he woke up when he found out that Phillip had started back to work. It was pretty pitiful. After he stopped crying a little, he asked me if I would learn to play the Lego Star Wars video game. So, later that morning we played it for 30 minutes. It was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Ok, maybe not, but it was up there. I am absolutely horrible at video games. He was telling me what to do and where to go. He kept getting frustrated with me because I didn't know what the heck was going on. He told me a few times that it was o.k. for me to stop playing. He wanted to call Phillip a couple of times. I think (hopefully) he has decided that he doesn't want to play that with me anymore.