I just wanna dance!

I think Phillip and I should look into taking dancing lessons. Like swing dancing or ballroom dancing or something, or just learn how to do the box step for goodness sake. I suggested it to him and he pretty much shot it down immediately. Doesn't he know this could earn him muffin points!? Duh!! (If you don't know about muffins, sorry. It's a BPF thing.) So this is to Phillip and anyone else who needs to hear it... GET OUT OF YOUR BOX!!

Call me "Red"

Last night, for the first time in my life, I colored my hair. Well, actually a friend of mine did it for me, but you see what I'm saying. I have been wanting to go auburn for probably a couple of years or more. But I've been too chicken to actually do it. I'm kind of undecided about how I feel about it. It turned out a little more orangey than I had hoped. I'm planning on getting it cut tomorrow, so if you see Phillip with some red headed woman with shorter hair, don't worry, it's probably me. Well, hopefully it's me. Maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow after I get it cut.

In the closet?

I have decided to lighten things up a bit concerning the content of my blog. Occasionally you may still find things of a serious nature, but I can only be so serious for so long. That warning given, I'll continue with one of my latest observations.

I believe ( no proof) that one certain famous scientologist actor, who shall remain nameless, needs to come out of his enormous walk-in-closet. Most of the world considers him a georgeous hunk of a man who can have any woman he wants, even one certain very young Dawson's Creek actress, who shall also remain namesless. I believe his womanizing is all a coverup for a secret that he doesn't want anyone to know. Well, bad news for you Mr., I got you figured out. Some day, he'll slip and everyone else will know it too. And when that happens just remember where you heard it first. Well, I gotta cruise, so I'll catch back up with you later. Thanks for reading.

Where do I go from here?

Ever since the second miscarriage I have felt a burden to use what I have been given to somehow be there for other women who have gone through pregnancy loss or even loss in general. With the recent loss of Evan, this urge or drive or whatever it is has gotten even stronger. It is no longer just something I want to do but something I have to do. Pregnancy loss is now as much a part of who I am as anything else. I am a wife, a mother, and I have lost three babies. It is not something that I can leave behind me and move on from. I don't exactly know where to go from here or what to do with what I have been given. Something good must come out of this if I am going to be able to keep what of me is left. I refuse to believe this has all been for nothing. I won't live with that. I am praying for guidance and wisdom. Please pray for me too.

What is strength anyway?

What does it really mean to be strong? I thought I knew.

People keep telling me how strong I am. And while I appreciate the encouragement, I can't help feeling like I'm somehow deceiving everyone. What am I doing...or not doing that is demonstrating any kind of strength? Breathing? Waking up everyday and living my life? Not falling to pieces? Laughing? What is it that is portraying strength? I really don't see it or feel it. I don't feel strong at all. I've never felt so vulnerable, used up, and out of control in my life.

I have heard people say, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I think if we don't have a dependence on God, what doesn't kill us just makes us wish we were dead. And I can imagine that would be worse than death itself. What I have endured so far has made me weak and more dependent on God to pick me up and the pieces and cradle me through it.

I am not strong. Let me say that again. I am not strong! God is strong. It is through Him that I am able to continue. It is in Him that I have found peace. It is because of Him that I have hope for the future. I am not anywhere near the mindset that Paul was when he speaks in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. I am not yet ready to "delight in my hardships." But I do have a much greater understanding of the concept of being strong in weakness than I ever have before.

If being weak on my own and dependent on God somehow translates into strength, then maybe I'm stronger than I think. I just don't know what strength is anymore.

I thought I knew.

Eternity and the existance in it isn't a concept I can really wrap my brain around. It makes me grin to think that my tiny babies who never knew life on this earth have an understanding of eternity and who we are in it that even the greatest Biblical scholars do not have. All the great truths and mysteries we long to understand but cannot are known by my babies. Will they be babies forever? I don't really think so. I believe they exist in a perfection I cannot even begin to understand as long as I live on this earth. When I die, will we meet? If we do meet, will they know me as Mommy? In my limited earthly brain I would love to believe that when I die and move on into eternity I will have all of forever to cuddle and rock my babies. But I really don't think our focus in Heaven is to reconnect with those that have gone before us. Our focus will be on praising and honoring our Creator in ways that we never could on earth. It would be selfish of me to wish my babies would forever be limited by being stuck in infancy. I don't know how things will be in Heaven...but they do.

My babies were not conceived to die. That is how it seems, even to me sometimes. They were created for the same purpose that we all were. To be God's kids, to be enveloped in the love of the Creator that gave them life. To be adored and doted over by the Master of everything. Through the last year and a half I have felt robbed, cheated, ripped off, and defeated. But these babies were never mine to hold onto in the first place. They were created out of love to love and be loved for all eternity. They have been given life...not death.

Some day I will understand things as they do. But until then I will trust that God is sovereign, He is on His throne, He has not forsaken me, and He desires and deserves my love.

Evan

Evan Samuel Hintze was born at 8:11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 07, 2005 and died shortly there after. He weighed a mere 8.2 ounces and was 9 inches long at the time of his birth. He was perfectly formed with every finger and toe. A beautiful little person. Thank all of you for praying for us and Evan over the last few months.

news

Hey everyone. First of all, this is Phillip. Think of me as Jenny's scribe. Anyway, a lot of you may already know what's going on, but a lot of you may not. Read on.

For the last several weeks, Jenny has been having some minor contractions. They pretty much stopped for a couple of weeks, but she started having them again on Friday morning. They started getting painful later in the day so she called her doctor, who advised her to come into the hospital and get checked out. We went out to Texas Woman's and found out that she had dilated to about 1.5 cm, which is really bad for a 20 week-old pregnancy. They gave her a series of shots to stop the contractions, which worked for a while. They started again this morning so they had to give her some different medicine. As of right now her contractions have eased up immensely, but it is still an extremely touchy situation. Jenny has been laying down with her head lower than her feet (to keep any unnecessary pressure off of her cervix) so she is uncomfortable to put it mildly.

Dr. Thompson, Jenny's primary care physician, talked to her today and told her that the situation is far from hopeless, but there is still much to be concerned about. For one, a "fetus" is not considered viable until at least 24 weeks. Even a child born at 24 weeks is subject to numerous complications including blindness and cerebal palsy. Every week that baby Evan can stay inside of Mom reduces his chances of premature-birth related health problems almost exponentially.

The main thing that we ask of you is prayer. I believe that God can and will intervene and I believe that He honors the prayers of His people. Beyond that, anything you can do to make Jenny feel at home in the hospital would be welcomed. She's got a long stay (hopefully), so cards, posters, whatever we can hang in her room to remind her that people are thinking about her and praying for her would be awesome. You can give anything like that to me and I'll get it to her. I'll be back and forth a lot, because Jenny wants Jackson's life to stay as normal as possible through this, and that means I'll be staying at home more than I feel like I probably should be.

In conclusion, Jenny won't be blogging for a while unless she decides to dictate something to her scribe, but tune in to my blog every once in a while for news and updates, as well as any other random nuggets that pop into my head. Thanks.