Small Victory

This morning we had a small victory with baby M. I can't get into specifics, but all we need are a few more small victories over the course of the next few months and he could be ours forever.

Rough night

When we first got baby M. I felt pretty positive that we would be able to keep him. I'm still hopeful, but I'm beginning to worry he might not stay. I can't get into any details about his situation. But his biological mother is trying to get him back and that's enough to scare us pretty bad. We are getting the feeling from C.P.S. that things could go in that direction. I need to try to be positive about things, but I also have to be realistic.

Like so many other times in the past I am faced with wondering what faith really is and if I have any at all. So many people make it seem like that if you just pray hard and often enough for something and believe with all your might, that you can change the outcome of a situation. And I know that this does happen sometimes, but it doesn't happen every time. I'm so tired of the rose colored glasses responses like "Everything will work out for the best" or "God's got the perfect baby picked out for you" or whatever the phrase of the day may be. The truth is that everything might not work out for the best. And God may not have any more babies picked out for us at all. And we've got to get to a point that we're o.k. with that if that is what life brings us. I have to be willing to accept that we may not have anymore children. And right now I'm not to that point yet.

When we began this process almost a year ago my prayer was, "God, please don't give us a baby that we can't keep." I have no idea how many times I thought or uttered that prayer. Probably hundreds of times. But I cannot believe that just because I prayed it with my whole heart that it will be granted. Is that lacking in faith? I know that God is God. I know that He is good and sovereign. I know that He heard that prayer every time I prayed it. I know that He sees my entire life right now as I type this. I believe all of those things with everything that is in me. But I can't make myself have the faith that He will let us keep this child just because it is my heart's desire. I really wish I could have faith like that. I've heard people say that faith is not only believing that God can, but that He will. That just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe it's just to make myself feel better or something. But I think that faith is knowing that He is God even when everything falls apart around us. I think faith is not wavering in allegiance or love or respect even when we are badly disappointed by something out of our control.

I think that if M. doesn't stay, we may have to decide that we've had enough of this roller coaster. We've been expecting another child for three years. For three years we have considered ourselves an incomplete family. For the majority of Jackson's life we have been either expecting the arrival of or mourning the loss of a baby. I think that maybe the time has come for us to begin to see our lives for what they are and not what we think they should be or what we hope for them to be some day. I shudder to think of the energy and time I have lost pining away for another child at the expense of the one child that I do have.

I'm not throwing in the towel. I haven't decided or accepted that he's not staying. But really for the first time since we've had him, I'm making myself face the possibility that we could really lose him. Someone could actually walk up to our house and take him away forever. That could really happen. And I'm just having a very hard time with it at the moment.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom

• My kids drive me crazy sometimes.
• I yell too much....well, not yell exactly....raise my voice.
• I cut corners when it comes to house work.
• I would like to have a house keeper but I wouldn't want her to see how messy my house can get.
• I let my son watch too much t.v. to keep him out of my hair and off my back.
• I've thought about teaching my four year old to change the baby's diapers so I don't have to do it.
• I can't wait until my son is old enough to vacuum and do dishes without making more of a mess for me to clean up.
  
• Sometimes I think a full time job (with good pay) might be more fun.
• I have an idealistic view of how other moms do it and think they've got to be better at it than me.
• My idea of straightening a room is closing the door so I don't have to look at it.
• I think my husband should have a good meal at work so he doesn't expect one when he gets home.
• I would make a list of everything I need to do, but then that would be one more thing that I would have to do that day.
  

Why am I keeping this blog?

I don't know why I still have this blog. I am barely writing anymore. I don't know if anyone is reading it anymore since I had to make it private. Oh well, maybe eventually I'll get back to writing regularly.

Some of the stuff that I would like to write about I can't because it's stuff about the baby and it confidential....wow that's a long sentence. And I can't post pictures of him either and that stinks. Man, we've gotten some great pictures of him. He's a beautiful baby. After he's ours legally I'll post hundreds to catch up. Anyway, about him, he's still here and he's doing great. He has his second hour long visit with bio. mom tomorrow afternoon. Not looking forward to that, but I gotta do it anyway. She's beginning to do some of the things required of her to regain custody. And it's a long list, so I'm not too worried....but I am kind of worried. I think both of us tried to keep a little distance in the beginning. But, after having him living with us for 10 weeks, we're just totally in love with him and cannot begin to imagine life without him. So, that's scary, but there's not much I can do about it.

Jackson is as crazy as ever. He's been great with the baby. He hasn't really been jealous but he's been kind of insecure. He's been needing a lot of reassurance and approval lately. And that's fine. I can't believe he's about to be five years old. He'll be starting kindergarten in the fall and I'm not ready for that. Well, I gotta get Jack out of the bathtub before he gets pruned.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Man, I have not written in a LONG time. Having two kids is a lot harder than having one. I don't have the time to do lots of things I used to do, but that's o.k.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to use a Jackson poop story to wish you all a happy St. Patrick's Day.

Jackson pooped earlier today and it was very green. And I said, "Oh, it's green and yucky!" or something like that. And Jackson said, "Well, it is St. Patrick's Day." We are pretty proud of his quick wit.

All right, well, I guess I better be going. I'll try to write more often.

Jedi Masters don't go to the dentist

We are about to leave for Jackson's first dentist appointment. He is trying everything he can think of to talk me out of this. His last attempt was to tell me that he's a Jedi Master and Jedi Masters don't go to the dentist.