The Crud is Worse

My sinus junk cleared up long enough for me to be able to sing fairly well today and then came back with a vengeance. Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme, but I definitely feel worse now that I did Friday or Saturday. I went from being pretty plugged up to being able to breathe out of both nostrils this morning. And by this afternoon I was totally plugged up again. I'm sure God (hopefully) doesn't think like this, but it's like He's saying, "Ok, you did this thing for me that I wanted you to do and now that you're done with it you can go back to feeling terrible." So, whatever, that's fine. I've felt a heck of a lot worse than this in my life. I'm just glad that it went away long enough for me to do what needed to be done.

By the way, I think things went pretty well this morning with the music stuff at church. I was pretty iffy on some things during sound check but it all came together pretty well. Usually when I sing serveral songs, I make a couple of little or not so little mistakes. And I don't think I did anything too weird today. I had fun and I enjoyed being able to breathe out of my nose for a few hours.

"unchurched"

Can't sleep. Sick of trying.

My almost four year old son and this throat crud are keeping me awake. Also, I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about things that are troubling me.


If you are considered "unchurched" or "seeker" what would it take for you to no longer be considered that? And do you like those terms for yourself? Do you dislike being categorized? Do you hate it when "church people" put labels on you?

If you are someone who does not consider yourself a Christian, or if you are someone who has zero interest in "attending" a church at all, why is that? I don't even know if any "unchurched" people read this blog and that also is troubling to me.

What would your ideal church look like? What could that church be to enrich your life? What would it take for you to commit to Christ and to a body of believers? Do you know? I don't even know if I'm asking the right questions.

I don't really care to hear my "churched" friends' answers on this. I know many of the "right" answers myself. But I would really like to hear from those of you who fall into the category of "unchurched." I'll allow anonymous posts for a few days just incase that's an issue. I am asking for real honesty. I will not allow anyone to make light of or poke fun at any of the responses that are given. Any jerk comments will be deleted.

There may not even be any comments and that's cool too. Whatever. I'm just throwing this out there. I am genuinely curious. I'm more than curious. I need to know.


Our son is sleeping with us tonight. He woke me up struggling to find the right corner of his blanket. While asleep he lay there pulling his fingers around the edges of his blanket trying to find jus the right spot so he could relax. There's a certain spot that is worn just right. It took him several minutes. He struggled quietly for literally several minutes trying to find it. I could have found it for him. I know where it is. But I wanted to marvel at the struggle. He finally found it. I knew that he would. He rubbed that corner on his face and his arm and found immediate rest and peace. He didn't even consciously know what he was looking for or that he was looking for anything at all.

The crud

I started feeling a little sickly this morning and it has progressed as the day has passed. I'm having sinus pain and drainage (yummy) and I have a bit of a sore throat. I have certainly felt worse, much worse. But I'm singing on Sunday so I'm a little concerned. If it doesn't get too much worse it will be fine. Usually I get over things pretty quickly. Anyway, it's 10:30 and I'm taking some drugs and going to bed, which is pretty early for me. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe my voice will sound a little less "pretty" on Sunday.

Father, Son, and Cheap Kites

We went to the park this evening to try out some kites that I bought for Jack's birthday party. I spent $20.00 on the crappiest kites on the planet. We had a good laugh. And we took some pictures. Phillip took some of me trying to get the stupid kite to fly. I don't think he'll be posting those.

Singing and stuff

I'm singing this weekend with our band at church and I'm really excited about it. I'll be leading out on three or four songs. It sounds silly, but I'm already looking forward to it like a kid looks forward to Christmas morning. And hopefully, if it goes well, I'll feel pretty energized for several days afterward.

This is far different that I felt when I first started singing publically. Unlike most people that sing, I didn't even know that I could sing until I was in my early 20's. I think I was 22 or 23 the first time I ever sang alone with a microphone. And I was scared to death. Before I would get up to sing back then I would get so nervous I would make myself sick. But as soon as I picked up the mic and started singing everything was fine. That is until I sat back down afterward and my hands would usually sweat and shake like crazy.

Since then I've sung publically many times. But I've probably only actually led worship under 20 times. We've had the opportunity lately and hopefully will continue to have the opportunity to lead at some small start up churches. And that is really cool. It's so low pressure and a lot of fun. Most of the times that I have led worship I have been relieved when it was over and have thought, "I'm never doing that again." But lately, I'm getting more and more comfortable with doing it. And I think the more I do it, the better I'm getting at it. I'm getting more relaxed and more genuine. There have been a couple of times lately when I've thought afterward, "This is what I am meant to do. This is what I'm here for." And to have those thoughts in a lifetime of uncertainty about purpose is really cool.

I have no idea what God is going to do with Phillip and me. I'm seeing an evolution taking place in us and it will be neat to see where it goes.

Coins in a Fountain

I took these a couple of weeks ago at our (lame) mall. I thought they turned out kind of cool.

Uncomfortable Truth

I've been reading a book entitled Black Baby White Hands: A View from the Crib by a guy named Jaiya John. It is his memoir of being a black child growing up in a white family and community. I like the book a lot. He's very descriptive in his writing. His perspective on white views about people of other races is quite unique. He is able to see things from so many different perspectives. He talks about how the people in his family and community loved him as an individual. But those same people who loved him had some negative views about black people as a whole. He just discusses how paradoxical this was to him growing up. He talks about how desperately he wanted people to really see him. To see his "essence." He felt like people overlooked his race in order to love him.

I'm reading it not because we are planning on adopting a black child, though I would not be at all opposed to doing that. I'm reading it because we are planning on adopting a child of another race and nationality and I thought this book might give me some insight. Reading this has really made me stop and think about what kinds of sterotypes I hold. I know I have them. Not all of them are negative sterotypes and not all of them are racially motivated. Just to judge an entire race, gender, people group of one kind or another based solely on my opinions is seriously not right. We all do it in one way or another. How do we shake these views? How do I train my brain to stop judging people based on whatever it may be...race, age, clothes, education, denomination, etc.?

There are poems that begin each chapter. I suppose they are written by the author of the book but I'm not sure. This is one that really made an impression on me. His friends loved him. He was their "token black friend." Have we had some token friends of one kind or another that we use to convince ourselves that we "love" all people "like" them? I have.

Dance for us
joke for us
run fast for us
make funny faces for us
stick pencils in your 'fro for us
be a 'bro for us
sing for us
scat for us
swing the bat for us
dunk for us
beat that punk for us
grin for us
get drunk on gin for us

just don't remind us
about the back of the bus
be like us
be like us

Book Deal? Most Likely Not

I have been writing a lot over the last couple of years. I've been writing on this blog, in various journals, and just for the heck of it. Writing helps me to organize my thoughts. It also forces me to open up about things I don't always talk about. Anyway, I've thought for some time about trying my hand at writing a book or something. I've had some encouragement about my writing from various people. I'm seriously NOT fishing for compliments here, just saying what I'm thinking about. So anyway, I began the other night what I hope will become something worth reading. I'm not exactly sure where it will go but I have some ideas. I may post some of the stuff I'm working on sometime. It sounds kind of ridiculous to say, "I'm writing a book." I'm not expecting anything to come of it. But I think if nothing else, it will be good for me to write through some stuff.

FYI: I'm not always good at following through with things. Here are some examples of some other things I have tried and eventually quit doing.
1. playing guitar
2. whittling wood (I have a whittling set and books on whittling)
3. running
4. walking
5. learning Spanish
6. harmonica??
7. being stylish

That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there are many more.

Star Wars Eggs Follow-up

Here are a couple of pictures of Jackson with his Star Wars eggs from Easter. I threw them away the next day and he could not believe that I did that! I really don't know if he'll ever get over it.

Behold the Power....

I love cheese. I love food with cheese in it. I love cheetos. I even like velveeta (cheese product) with rotel and chips. Cheddar, Ricotta, Feta, Parmesan, all quite nice. Cheesy food is good and I certainly enjoy it.

But the thing about cheese it that you can sometimes go overboard with it. One time I made pork chops stuffed with cheese, peppers, and bread crumbs. It was a great recipe. I decided that you can never have too much cheese in something so I put more cheese in the pork chops than it called for. The cheese made the stuffing too soft and melty and it didn't stay in the pork chops. It melted out everywhere ruining my pork chops and really messing up my pan. It was a disaster. It was such a disaster that I haven't wanted to try that recipe again even though the recipe itself is fine, it is what I did to it that made it fail miserably.

Too much cheese can ruin an otherwise good thing. Beware of the power of cheese.

Post-it Note

Phillip came across a post-it note the other day that says:

Mom and Dad,
I went over to Jenny's. I'll
probably ask her a "question."
See ya,
Phillip

He wrote that the day he asked me to marry him. That was almost 7 years ago. We are not very good at keeping up with things. So it's pretty weird that we still have this. I'm sure we'll probably loose it eventually.

Dang Ducks

Jack and I went to the park today and ate some lunch. There were about 5 ducks that wanted to join us. I had nothing to feed them except for potato chips and hard boiled eggs. The egg thing would have just been wrong. And I was afraid to feed them at all because those things will get violent. So they just watched us eat and quacked a lot. Jack threw a ball at them to make them go away. I told him that wasn't cool.

Dr. Paul

I met the man who delivered me into this world yesterday. He was at church on Sunday. I introduced myself to him and told him that he delivered me. He smiled and shook my hand and said it was good to meet me....again.

I bet he must get that a lot. Anyway, I just thought it was cool.

Happy Easter

Spiderman Pornography

I was googleing (googling?) for Spiderman images today for Jackson's birthday invitations and I came across THIS.... Just hideous!



Isn't it lovely? There are some others (full frontal) that I won't post. I sure wouldn't want to offend anyone. I've never seen anything quite as gross and as weird as this.

Easter Derby

Jack had his little Easter "parade" and egg hunt today at Preschool. The kids all made Easter hats to wear and they're pretty cheesy. They look a little fruity with the feathers.

Allowed to Proceed

We got an e-mail today from a rep. at Dillon International and the hold I mentioned earlier does not apply to us. So, we are able to proceed with the adoption stuff. Phew.

Korea Program: Temporarily on Hold

The agency we're using is putting a temporary hold on all new applications for their Korea program. I think we're o.k. Our initial application has been approved so I don't think this hold applies to us. Phillip e-mailed them to find out for sure. But it's still a little nerve wracking.

But, the reasons behind it are really good. It means that fewer babies from Korea are needing homes outside their country.....which is good news. Historically, there has been a negative social stigma there about domestic adoption and single mothers. These stigmas are slowly beginning to change. So with families in Korea deciding to adopt and more and more single mothers keeping their babies, there are less babies being put up for adoption. Social stigmas should not be allowed to dictate the future of a child.

Adoption is not the ideal. International adoption is really not the ideal. So, if it means we have to wait longer because these babies are going to be raised in their home country, that's fine with me. Even if it means we don't adopt a baby from Korea, that's still ok. Things will unfold just as they should. We will remain patient and open to what lies ahead.

Word of the day: Comfortable

Comfortable
adjective

providing physical ease and relaxation, not in pain, having what is needed or wanted, physically relaxed and free from constrain, pleasant, free from hardship, cozy, agreeable, content, undemanding.....

Are you comfortable?

I believe that very little can be learned when we are comfortable. I think there is little value in striving for comfort. I have learned the most from very uncomfortable situations.

At the Fountain

I took this today at the fountain behind the Civic Center. I have posted a few other pictures at my flickr page. Most of them have been posted on my blog before but there are a few that haven't.

Scrape

I took Jack to the fountain thing over by the Lake Jackson Civic Center this afternoon. He actually played in the water without any hesitation. Usually when we go, he's a chicken. He fell today and scraped his elbow and knee. I told him not to run about a hundred times but he didn't listen.

I don't know anything about Sandy Patti or the Supremes

Let me explain a little so you'll have some idea where the following conversation came from. I had the pleasure of hearing Sandy Patti sing at the Women of Faith Conference. Not a fan. She sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

Ok, so when I got home I told Phillip that Sandy Patti, who used to be a Supreme (?) was at the Conference. While laughing, Phillip, who is apparently an expert on Sandy Patti and The Supremes, told me that Sandy Patti was not a Supreme and that all of the Supremes were black. Well, excuse me. How was I to know?

Sandy Patti and her husband, Don Patti, later sang a duet that made me want to barf. I really can't even tell you what song it was. They were swapping back and forth between English and Latin (I think) while staring lovingly into each other's eyes. GAG! I thought they were going to start making out on the stage. When it was over, one of the Women of Faith said, "That was a moment." You got that right! I had to keep myself from laughing out loud during the song, but when she said that whole "moment" thing I just couldn't help myself anymore. Call me immature or whatever. I don't care.

The whole thing was about contagious joy and I found a joyful moment by laughing at the Pattis (Patties?).

From the balcony

I took some pictures fom our hotel room balcony, I haven't taken any night pictures before so I thought I would give it a try. They didn't turn out great, but I messed with these quite a bit and I don't think these look too bad.

Women of Faith Conference and "pop up pain"

I'm sorry that this is kind of a sad and personal (and long) post. Maybe eventually I'll quit writing and talking about this stuff, but in the meantime, I use this blog to help me through some of it.

I just got back from the Women of Faith Conference in Houston. It was very cool. It was a good time with friends and I thought it would be a good time to "get away from it all" but "it all" followed me there. I don't really know why I thought I could actually escape it.

I was introduced to a new thing called "pop up pain." It's not a new thing, really. We all have it, I just didn't really have a term for it. I've never really tried to think of a term for it. "Pop up pain" is when everything is cool and you're thinking about fun, happy, smiley, chocolately things and then all of a sudden, out of nowwhere.....BAM, you're slammed with something you didn't want to think about. Atleast that's the way I understand it.

So, we're at the Toyota Center going up the tallest escalator I've ever seen, when...BAM there's the biggest picture I've ever seen of a baby covering a huge wall. And I think, "Oh, I want one of those."

(All around the mulberry bush....)

We found our seats and everything was cool. We were there for a couple of minutes before the people in front of us showed up. And out of 15,000 people and probably no more than 10 babies in the whole place, 2 brand new (nursing) ones and their mothers sat down......RIGHT in front of me. And I think, "Well, that's going to be distracting." For you men reading, I won't spend too much time on this. But of all the things I mourn about never having another biological child, what I mourn the most is that I'll never nurse another baby again.

(The monkey chased the weasel....)

So as if that wasn't enough, two of the verses that were talked about the first night were:

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Which is a verse that I have clung to over the last year of my life. It was kind of the "theme" of a talk I gave a month or so ago at our Ladies' Retreat. And.....

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14

Which is the verse that was on the front of the programs from our babies' memorial service. At the time of the memorial service, we had lost three. We have lost another one since then in January.

(The monkey thought 'twas all in fun.)

That was all Friday night.

So, then today, one of the songs they did this morning was Blessed Be Your Name, which is a song I can still hardly listen to without crying even though I was somehow able to sing it at the memorial service.

I decided that this was the perfect time to go the bathroom.

Then one of the two pregnant Avalon singers showed her baby boy's ultrasound picture on the big screen, while talking about feeling him kick for the first time and how cool that was.

(POP...goes the weasel!)

There were many other things. Constant.....constant reminders about our journey of loss. One thing after another the entire time. I am glad I went. I did not have any break downs, just incase any of you were wondering. I've gotten very good at "keeping it together."

One of the things that Lucy Swindoll talked about was really important to me. She talked about how we should not forget the small moments of joy even when they are fleeting or if they are connected with pain. It helped me to remember that I should not forget the joy and hope that surrounded all of my pregnancies. I should not forget or refuse to think about the joy of seeing them all on ultrasound for the first time. I should not forget how my heart skipped a beat when I first heard theirs. I should not allow myself to forget how happy we were when we found out Evan was a boy. Every one of those pregnancies was so wrapped up in pain that I don't allow myself to think about the joyous moments that all of them carried. It really hurts worse sometimes to think about those things than the horrific things. But those things need to be celebrated sometimes and I really do not allow myself to do that because it is too painful.

I want all of you who are reading this to know that I still love seeing babies. I 've always been drawn to babies. Babies do not cause me pain. Pregnant women do not cause me pain. I just think about them differently than I used to. When I see a new baby, I am so amazed, because I know how fragile life is. I thank God that that one made it. And when I see a pregnant woman or hear of a woman who is pregnant, I pray that they will never know the pain that I have known. But it is a mental excercise sometimes to keep that frame of mind. But the alternative frame of mind is not how I will live my life. It is not always easy. And sometimes I do well up with tears when I see a new baby. But it is not out of bitterness or envy. It is simply out of grief for what I do not have. It is all still very raw.

Anyway, all of that said, I am glad I went. I had a good time. But I am mentally and emotionally drained. I look forward to sleeping and waking up to a new day tomorrow.

By the way, there was a young lady there who was asked on stage to sign (sign language) along with Avalon. This young lady has Down Syndrome. She is AMAZING! I could not keep the tears back as I saw her perform sign language with her entire body along with the song. She has found what God created her to do and she is so beautiful.

Jump

That's messed up

Well, Easter is coming up so Phillip and I went to Target last night to get some stuff for Jackson's Easter basket. And lo and behold, we found a Star Wars Easter Egg Decorating Kit. And so we thought there couldn't be a better way to celebrate Jesus' resurrection than to hard boil and color eggs and then cover them with Star Wars stickers. I'm not quite sure how Easter turned into a time to lie to our kids about some imaginary bunny coming and hiding eggs in our yards and leaving baskets of presents and candy. And now it has been taken to a new level. But, hey, we thought it was cool, so we bought it.

Along the same lines, Jackson's Easter basket is in the shape of Spiderman's (severed?) head with a handle. Cool huh?

Check out the Yoda egg picture. Just weird, that's all.

Mixed up theology

Jackson told me a little while ago that Spiderman is in my heart.

That's it. Nothing else to the story. Just thought it was worth sharing.

Ok, I'm done with that stuff.

I was just thinking as I was trying to go to sleep about origin of the earth stuff. That was one of the questions in the application. Anyway, it made me think of a question Jack asked me earlier today.

He said, "How did Jesus and God get to be Jesus and God?" And I said, "That's a very good question. I don't quite know the answer to that question."

This kid is going to give us a run for our money.....whatever that means.

Personal Christian Philosophy of Education

I'm getting my application, resume, transcripts, and other stuff together to turn in to the Christian School in our area. One of the sections of the applications requires that I type out my "Personal Christian Philosophy of Education." So, it's midnight. I want to get this done tonight so I can turn this stuff in tomorrow. And what am I doing? Blogging about having to do it. I will probably be up until atleast 2:00.

I'm kind of at a loss about where to begin with this. I could write a paragraph or two and spend 30 minutes on it. Or I could probably write several pages and spend several hours. I've never actually thought about this before. I'm not sure I technically have a Personal Christian Philosphy of Education, but I will by tomorrow.

Maybe I'll post it after I'm done with it. I'm sure it will be quite fascinating.

BTW - I'm not posting this because I want you to tell me what to write. That would be weak. And I don't think I would trust any of you anyway.

Sad

Singer/Songwriter

I think some of mine and Phillip's musical abilities have rubbed off on our son. Jackson "wrote/arranged" a song today and it is quite good. It is sung to the Spiderman tune. The "lyrics" are as follows.


Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Uh Uh Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Uh Uh Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan
(Tag)
You'll find the Obi-Waaaaan

Just some pictures of the Jack

I took these several weeks ago. I just haven't taken the time to mess with them until now. He's making some pretty amusing faces in some of these.