My Holy Discontent

This week Greg talked about “Holy Discontent” (h.d. from this point on), which is like a restlessness about something that you feel should change, or be improved upon, something that kind of nags at your heart and you can’t seem to get it too far out of your mind. Not just some selfish desire, or worry, but something put in us by God. We all have different h.ds.

I have known what mine is for some time now, I just didn’t exactly know what to call it.

Very specifically, my h.d. is knowing that there are women out there right now in my community and probably even in my church who are going through terrifying, high-risk pregnancies and/or pregnancy loss....completely alone or unsupported.

I wish I knew who they were. I wish I could cry and pray with them. I wish I could go to the hospital with them and sit in the waiting room with them while they find out if they are indeed going to loose their babies. I wish I could pull them out of bed and make them put on some lipstick and go shopping. I wish...I wish...I wish.

In more general terms, my h.d. is knowing that there are all kinds of people out there right now in my community and my church going through various kinds of life traumas....completely alone or unsupported.

If I feel this passionately about being there for women in similar situations that I’ve been through, I know there are other people out there who would love to be given the opportunity to support others who are going through things that they have dealt with. Cancer, divorce, sexual abuse, loss of a parent, loss of a spouse, other things I can’t even think of.

I don’t know Cancer. I can’t do much for someone who does, except pray and listen. But I know what I know and I would drop just about anything in a heartbeat if I was needed to help a woman in that kind of crisis.

Does our church need some kind of network of trusted, Godly people to be called upon when needed if a certain kind of situation arises? Do we need to take a “bone marrow” approach by asking people to be willing to donate their time and love if a match is made? I don’t know what needs to be done. All I know is that somewhere right now a woman is facing the loss of her child and she needs me, or someone like me, and I’m not there because I don’t know who she is.

And that breaks my heart.

The way I think about this whole h.d. thing is like a dog in a hot car with the windows rolled up. At first the dog will just be a little uncomfortable, then he’ll start to get nervous. Then he’ll start to panic. And for those few minutes that dog will fight harder to get out of that car than he has fought for anything in his life. And then he will get weak. He will begin to die.

I’m afraid my h.d. is starting to get weak. It was very strong right after we lost Evan. It feels strong now as I type this. But it does not consume me the way it once did.

Maybe that’s a good thing and maybe it’s not. I don’t want that dog to die.

Mealtime at the Hintze House

For the most part, Jackson is a very easy child. He's fairly obedient, not terribly rowdy, very affectionate and funny....I could go on and on.

But, mealtime is challenging, to say the least. He has never really been a good eater, so this is nothing new. When he was 2 or so, he would take bites of stuff and leave it in his mouth for hours if we didn't let him spit it out. He has almost stopped doing that.

Breakfast is easy because I just shovel oatmeal into his mouth while he sits on the couch watching Sesame Street. He eats oatmeal almost every morning for breakfast. I don't think he ever eats his snack at Preschool, which is two mornings a week. My mom keeps him Monday and Wednesday mornings at our house and I think she pretty much follows him around the house with a fork or spoon or whatever and just gives him bites of whatever while he plays. And on Fridays, he stays with Phillip's parents. I'm not really sure how they get him to eat. They probably bribe him with candy or something, which is fine. Whatever it takes as far as I'm concerned.

So when I come home from work it's usually lunch time, unless my mom already fed him (literally). It usually takes an hour (no joke) to get him to eat enough of his lunch to satisfy me. Our lunch routine sounds something like this.

M: Jackson, pick up your fork and take a bite.
J: But, I want a drink of juice first.
M: Jackson!! What did I just tell you to do.
M: Jackson, chew up your food.
J: I AM chewing!
M: Get another bite.
M: Put that toy down and eat.
M: Jackson, do I need to turn the T.V. off??
M: You can't have a treat if you don't eat your lunch.
J: Why are you so grumpy?

I could go on and on. It drives me nuts. I know I have helped to create this monster. I know what I'm doing is not working. Some days he barely eats enough to sustain life, let alone grow. I don't know why or how he's a head taller than most other kids his age.

Tonight I made a taco pie, which pretty much consists of meat, cheese, and bread. Jackson basically refused to eat it at all. He said, "I'm not eating that." I gave him one bite and he told me that if I gave him another bite of it he wouldn't chew it up. So I told him to go play, but he couldn't have any gummies or other treats. He was totally fine with that.

People have told me that if he's hungry enough, he'll eat. And that we shouldn't make a big deal out of meal time. "If he eats, great. If not, no big deal." "Making a big deal out of meal time can cause eating disorders." Eating disorders?? I know some of that reasoning makes sense....but I just CAN'T do it. I guess it's because he's the only kid we have to mess with, but I will drive myself and him and Phillip crazy trying to get him to eat. I really, honestly believe that he would be just fine with eating a piece of lunch meat once a day...and that's it. I know one day he will eat us out of house and home.

Just a side note sort of along these lines. Three years olds are annoying little creatures.

Wanted: SNL video clip

I'm helping Mary Margaret with a ministry leader meeting on Sunday and I'm trying to find a clip to use at the meeting. I am having NO luck. It's a clip from a Saturday Night Live episode with Chris Kattan playing his character "Suel Forrester." It's the one where the guy is the coach and you can't understand half of what he's saying. It would be cool to use in our meeting....and it driving me CRAZY that I can't find it anywhere! Can anyone out there help me?? There has to be a way to get it.

"Make my hair short"

Phillip cut Jack's hair tonight. It was looking pretty bad. We were thinking we would let it grow and just see what it would look like kind of long. Well, he looked homeless. We asked him tonight if he wanted his hair long or short and he said he wanted it to be short.

He looks much more respectable now.

Clock trouble

My dang clock doesn't even keep the right time! That clock has been more trouble than it's worth! But I'm going to keep it anyway.

It's Over

My singing commitments for this weekend are finally over....(sigh of relief). And gee, let's see, I only averaged about 1.5 very noticeable entrance/lyrical mistakes per service. That's about 6 or so for the entire weekend!! Complete success, I would say. Ok, scarcasm really doesn't come across over typed word. Anyway, it was fun, but I'm glad it's over.

Worship Leading??

I'm kind of leading worship at BPF this weekend because Kristin is out of town. I'm glad to have the opportunity to do it but it's pretty stressful. The Saturday night service went pretty good considering we were messing up like crazy in sound check and Phillip broke a string and I didn't know about a video I was supposed to leave room for.

Phillip and I picked the music and we chose some things that had not been done in a while...a long while. And in hindsight, I realize that we probably should have chosen a couple that were a bit more familiar to the band. I didn't realize it until practice Thursday that Maury had never even played acoustic on any of these before. Oops, sorry Maury. The BPF band is made up of stellar musicians, but it's not too cool to dump a ton of new stuff on them in one week.

Anyway, we have two services tomorrow to do and a ladies' Christmas shindig to sing for tomorrow afternoon. This has been fun and all but I think after this weekend is over, I'll have gotten my singing fix and be content to sit back and chill for a while. Being able to sing and being able to effectively lead a group of people in worship are two very different things. And I'm just not sure if I'm cut out for the latter.

Superman, Then and Now

Jackson saw a picture of himself at 1 1/2 in a Superman costume and asked if we still had the costume. I got it out to show him and he wanted to put it on. So we let him put it on and he wore it for about 4 hours...straight. He even wore it up to the high school with Phillip to grab our camera. Needless to say, it is WAY too small.

After Jack put the costume on, he asked Phillip what Superman says. And Phillip told him that Superman says, "I'm a big dork!" So for the next few hours Jackson ran around the house jumping off of stuff yelling, "I'm a big dork! I'm Superman!"




Well, Superman, you certainly are a dork.

Internet Explorer

Ever since I put that enormous clock on my blog it looks like garbage if you view it in Internet Explorer. Why is that? Can I fix it without having to take out my clock? I like my clock. You have to scroll all the way down to be able to see my links and stuff.

Watch Out for Hurricane Wilma

My brother sent this to me today. I thought it was kind of funny.

Kind of Old Pictures

I was looking through some of our pictures of Jackson from when he was little. He was (and is) a cute kid. So here are some pictures of him before he got to be so big.

This was taken when Jackson was about 3 months old or so and Phillip had hair!



This is an outfit that Phillip wore as a baby. Does that donkey have a lampshade on its head?



Jack had pretty fuzzy hair for a while. It looked awesome!!



Would you look at those eyes!



We enjoyed putting underwear on his head. He didn't seem to mind too much.



This is one of our all time favorite pictures of him.



I don't remember where he got this crazy hat from. But he certainly looks excited in this picture.

LOOK AT MY CLOCK!

My Feet Stink

Lately I have noticed that I have stinky feet. I've never really noticed it before a few weeks ago. Is it the shoes I'm wearing? The soap I'm using? Have I always had stinky feet and just never noticed? Do other people notice? Has everyone around me known for years that I have stinky feet and just never told me? Do I need to wear special stink proof socks? Maybe I should wear socks, period. That could be it. But I've never liked wearing socks. Do I need to wash my feet several times a day? Do your feet stink? Be honest.

What a Difference

At BPF band rehearsal tonight, we practiced Truth, which is a song that Phillilp and I wrote a little over a year ago. We will be doing this song in the services this weekend. This song is not one of my favorites that we have written. It just never really grew on me like some of the others. It never felt finished or something. I don't know what it was exactly. But it sounded really cool tonight with the full band. It made such a huge difference in the way the song comes off. This will be the first one of our songs that has been done with a full band. I'm pretty excited. I just hope no one, including me, screws it up.

People Are Jerks

Sometime between 12:30, when we finished watching Lost, and 7:00 this morning some creep bashed the rear window of one of our cars. That particular car has also been sprayed with a fire extinguisher, and smeared with what looked like human poop in the last year. So if the jerk who did this just happens to be reading my blog, which I really doubt, STOP spraying, bashing, and pooping on my car!! Go find something else to do!! You're getting on my nerves. And if you also happen to be that crazy smoking woman that terrirized me over the phone, you are REALLY getting on my nerves.

What kind of sicko takes a dump on somebody's car anyway?

Pumpkin Patch

The Pumpkin Patch is open at the Lutheran Church over on Plantation. We live pretty close, so we walked over and took some pictures. We went there last year several times and Jack's been waiting for it to open this year. He was pretty excited. He's quite photogenic when he wants to be. The pumpkin that he's holding in the third picture came home with us. Regarding the pumpkin, Jackson said, "He's so cute."

Darth Vader

Jackson and I were messing around in Microsoft Paint tonight. He scribbled for a while and then he wanted me to draw Darth Vader. I told him that I don't know how to draw Darth Vader. That's Daddy's job...to draw whatever character he comes up with. It's like we're here his for his amusement or something. But he said, "Sure you can, Mommy. You just have to try." UGHHH. What do you say to that? So here is my picture of Darth Vader. Awesome, huh?

New Recordings....finally

We've been meaning to record our other three songs for a long time. But Phillip doesn't like his acoustic guitar. To me, a guitar is a guitar, but I know that's really not true. Anyway, we borrowed Ronnie's guitar for a few days and decided to record these last three. You can go to Phillip's post to read what he had to say about it and to find the new recordings. Or you can click on the link in the sidebar. Thanks for listening.

Octobers are hard

October 2nd was the due date of the first baby we lost. That child would be turning a year old now. Would be walking. Getting into all kinds of trouble. Starting to talk.

On October 2nd, the due date of the first one, I found out I was pregnant with the second baby we lost. She made that a day of joy and excitement rather than a day of mourning.

And as Evan's due date approaches, I am feeling the dread come over me more and more. He was due on October 22. I want to sleep through that day. I don't want to have to write that date.

I want to sleep through October. I want to run away during October. October hurts. Octobers are going to hurt for a long long time.

Precious

This evening we were heading to the mall when I saw a pretty funny sight across the street. Our retired neighbor fellow who lives across the street was sitting in his swing with another retired guy that lives down the road. They are probably both in their late 60's or so. We have gotten to know the guy across the street fairly well over the few years we've lived here and he's pretty cool. But neither one of them are particularly small men and the swing is not all that big. As we were driving by, Phillip stopped the car and I rolled my window down and told them, "You guys look precious all cuddled up together on that swing."

They were speechless. It was great. Leon just grinned and shook his finger at me. I wish I had a picture of them on that swing.

The Family Cat

I'm not a huge fan of cats. I mean I like other people's cats ok, but ours pretty much drives me nuts a good bit of the time. I've been trying to be a little nicer to him since we accidentally left him in our house for three days with no food during the hurricane Rita thing. I guess I feel a little guilty. But I've been letting him come in the house some lately in the evenings before Jack goes to bed. Jackson gets a huge kick out of having Travis in the house. And it gives Travis a chance to eat without having to share his food with our friendly neighborhood possum. Tonight we had a family game of pegging Travis with a small beach ball. He didn't seem to mind too much and it gave all of us a pretty good laugh. But the inside treat for Travis will stop if/when he gets fleas in the house. Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of Jack and Travis.

Crazies

Some crazy woman called our house twice in the last thirty minutes threatening to press charges against us for phone harassment. She says that someone from this phone number has been calling and leaving nasty messages on her cell phone. I have a picture here of what I think she might look like in 30 years or so. I ripped this off from Maury's blog.



Ok, let's just think about this for a minute. If you are reading this, then you probably know Phillip and me pretty well. And unless Jackson has been leaving threatening messages on someone's phone, those calls have not been coming from this house. Phillip and I may be many things...but we are not crank callers.

She says she's going to get private investigators and the authorities involved. I said, "Good, please do. Then I won't have to." Last time she called I asked her if she had been drinking. And I think the next time she calls I'll ask her what kind of Marlboros she smokes and which episode of Jerry Springer she appeared on last.

Yeah, yeah, I know I should probably invite her to church or whatever. But, I think my crazy aquaintance quota is currently filled. I have no more room for crazies in my life at the moment.