What does it really mean to be strong? I thought I knew.
People keep telling me how strong I am. And while I appreciate the encouragement, I can't help feeling like I'm somehow deceiving everyone. What am I doing...or not doing that is demonstrating any kind of strength? Breathing? Waking up everyday and living my life? Not falling to pieces? Laughing? What is it that is portraying strength? I really don't see it or feel it. I don't feel strong at all. I've never felt so vulnerable, used up, and out of control in my life.
I have heard people say, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I think if we don't have a dependence on God, what doesn't kill us just makes us wish we were dead. And I can imagine that would be worse than death itself. What I have endured so far has made me weak and more dependent on God to pick me up and the pieces and cradle me through it.
I am not strong. Let me say that again. I am not strong! God is strong. It is through Him that I am able to continue. It is in Him that I have found peace. It is because of Him that I have hope for the future. I am not anywhere near the mindset that Paul was when he speaks in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. I am not yet ready to "delight in my hardships." But I do have a much greater understanding of the concept of being strong in weakness than I ever have before.
If being weak on my own and dependent on God somehow translates into strength, then maybe I'm stronger than I think. I just don't know what strength is anymore.
I thought I knew.
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1 comment:
Jenny, to those who havent been there, in that place, they are not able to understand that we show strength by continuing to love our family and take care of them even though inside we are falling apart. There are many of us that feel that way when others are telling us we are so "strong". Bear with them, they love you and are trying in the way they know how to tell you and show you. Stay strong in Him and allow him to carry some of your burden and though it will not ease your heart, it will ease some of the burden. God bless,
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