When we first got baby M. I felt pretty positive that we would be able to keep him. I'm still hopeful, but I'm beginning to worry he might not stay. I can't get into any details about his situation. But his biological mother is trying to get him back and that's enough to scare us pretty bad. We are getting the feeling from C.P.S. that things could go in that direction. I need to try to be positive about things, but I also have to be realistic.
Like so many other times in the past I am faced with wondering what faith really is and if I have any at all. So many people make it seem like that if you just pray hard and often enough for something and believe with all your might, that you can change the outcome of a situation. And I know that this does happen sometimes, but it doesn't happen every time. I'm so tired of the rose colored glasses responses like "Everything will work out for the best" or "God's got the perfect baby picked out for you" or whatever the phrase of the day may be. The truth is that everything might not work out for the best. And God may not have any more babies picked out for us at all. And we've got to get to a point that we're o.k. with that if that is what life brings us. I have to be willing to accept that we may not have anymore children. And right now I'm not to that point yet.
When we began this process almost a year ago my prayer was, "God, please don't give us a baby that we can't keep." I have no idea how many times I thought or uttered that prayer. Probably hundreds of times. But I cannot believe that just because I prayed it with my whole heart that it will be granted. Is that lacking in faith? I know that God is God. I know that He is good and sovereign. I know that He heard that prayer every time I prayed it. I know that He sees my entire life right now as I type this. I believe all of those things with everything that is in me. But I can't make myself have the faith that He will let us keep this child just because it is my heart's desire. I really wish I could have faith like that. I've heard people say that faith is not only believing that God can, but that He will. That just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe it's just to make myself feel better or something. But I think that faith is knowing that He is God even when everything falls apart around us. I think faith is not wavering in allegiance or love or respect even when we are badly disappointed by something out of our control.
I think that if M. doesn't stay, we may have to decide that we've had enough of this roller coaster. We've been expecting another child for three years. For three years we have considered ourselves an incomplete family. For the majority of Jackson's life we have been either expecting the arrival of or mourning the loss of a baby. I think that maybe the time has come for us to begin to see our lives for what they are and not what we think they should be or what we hope for them to be some day. I shudder to think of the energy and time I have lost pining away for another child at the expense of the one child that I do have.
I'm not throwing in the towel. I haven't decided or accepted that he's not staying. But really for the first time since we've had him, I'm making myself face the possibility that we could really lose him. Someone could actually walk up to our house and take him away forever. That could really happen. And I'm just having a very hard time with it at the moment.