We had the memorial service today for the babies. Phillip, Kristin, and I did the music for it. It was tough. But God showed up and I believe lives were blessed. Tommy and my father-in-law spoke. To have people that we love and that love us participate in this part of our lives is an amazing thing. I believe the great joys and sorrows of life are what build relationships and I'm so grateful to have so many people willing to share in this sorrow with us. I would like to share something with you that I wrote to our babies. Tommy read this today at the service because I would not have been able to do it.
You are the one we lost first. You seem lost to me more than the others. I never heard your heartbeat but I know that it beat just the same. You were a surprise that we didn’t feel ready for. I cried when I found out you were coming and I cried much more when I found out you were not. But our anticipation turned into excitement. Our fear turned to longing. We didn’t know how badly we wanted you until you were gone. You taught me to accept things we cannot change.
You were the child we planned on having. The timing was right and we were very excited. We lost you a week before Christmas, a week before the snow. The snow covered the pain for a little while, but eventually melted away. We found out after we lost you that you were a little girl. Would you have been Daddy’s girl? Would you have been the princess of our house? I would have braided your hair and your brother would have pulled it. You taught me that God will find us in the pit of despair and give us joy where we didn’t know joy could exist.
Evan, you were another sweet surprise. We were scared from the beginning that we would never get to hold you. We thought we were losing you many times before we finally did. But you were strong and your precious heartbeat filled us with hope time and time again. So many people fought to save your life. We did get to hold you, but it was before we wanted to. I will never forget how beautiful you were. In you we find some of our sweetest and most heartbreaking memories. You were so very wanted. You taught us that God shows His love through people. You taught us that God is a masterful Creator. And you taught us that we don’t have to understand God to know God.
All of you briefly came into our lives and changed us forever. Your impact was great even though your lives on this earth were so short lived. I am grateful for each one of you. I have no regrets.
To those of you who came, thank you. To those of you who prayed, thank you. We know that we are loved.
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Jenny, I can only say that it seems that in our times of greatest sorrow, God is the most prevelant. I know that today had to be so very difficult and from the little that I know of you and Phillip, I am so proud that you have trusted God through the grief and sadness. I read a book recently and the author says that grief is our payment for joy. I am not certain that I would put it that way but I know that the joy I will feel when I go to live with our saviour, will by far make up for the grief here on earth. I know that I will see Ian again and that the grief we suffered will just add to the gems in our crowns. Please know that I will continue to pray for you guys and if you should ever want to talk to someone that is not so close to you guys, I am here.
I also like to keep in mind now, that, the loss of my son, makes me ever more wary of the life of my children here. I am more loving, protective, nurturing, concerned and so on. It is hard not to change as we go through our losses but I do believe the change is what God was wanting, He wanted us stronger for Him, more dependant on Him. I know He doesn't make these things happen, but by allowing them to happen, He pulls us so much closer to His heart and we are able to feel His presence and serve Him for it.
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