Sometimes A Song

Sometimes a song just hits you right where you are and either you can't help but sing along or you physically cannot sing along without getting choked up. This Sunday Kristin (beautifully) sang Worth It All and I found myself sitting there with a very uncomfortable lump in my throat. Crying in front of people is not something I like to get stuck doing, so I prefer for these kinds of things not to happen in public. Anyway, I have heard this song before and thought it was a nice song and all, but this time was different.

I don't understand Your ways,
Oh, but I will give You my song,
Give You all of my praise
You hold onto all my pain.
With it You are pulling me closer and
Pulling me into your ways.

Now around every corner
And up every mountain,
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains.
I'm desperately seeking,
I'm frantic believing
That the sight of Your face,
It's all that I need.

I will say to You:
It's gonna be worth it,
It's gonna be worth it all.

I believe this.

The words desperately seeking and frantic believing just really describe how I've felt over the last year or so. To just simply say "turn to God" or "hold onto God's truths" or "trust in God's provision" those things made sense to me before our second pregnancy and they still hold true now. But desperate, frantic, grasping, clinging, these kinds of words didn't really apply to me or the way I felt that I needed God. I have never before in my life felt so out of control or so in need of God just to get through a day. Now I beg Him for things like rest, hopeful thoughts, and peace of mind. Lately I've been praying that He would just get me through whatever I have to deal with today.

I don't know how things will turn out with this pregnancy. I am hopeful. But I have to be realistic too. I know that nothing is certain. But I do know that however this turns out, someday I will look back on all of this stuff that I feel like I’m drowning in and I will be able to say that it was worth it. Someday in the faces of whatever children God gives us I will see the reward. And I hope that the desperation I feel now never completely go away. I do believe with everything that is in me that someday this will all make sense and I will feel that it has all been worth it.