I'm still already!!!

Even though it has only been three months since we lost our third baby in a row to pregnancy complications, I can't help but being almost consumed with what lies ahead for our family. I guess to some people it may seem too early to be thinking about another child, but I can't seem to help but think about it...on a daily basis...ok, hourly basis. Do we try again? Do we look into adoption? Do we give up and be content with one child? It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do. I know I need to be patient and wait on God. But it has been almost a year since the first baby that we lost was due. Going on two years that we thought another child was going to be added to our family and was not. My patience is running out. I want to make things happen. I want to figure out a way to get another child in this family. Wouldn't you think I would have learned by now that I can't make anything happen? Why can't I get it through my thick skull that it is not up to me? I wish that God would just audibly tell us what we should do. I can't make a decision and move in that direction and just expect God to bless it. But moving in no direction usually gets you nowhere. Doesn't it?

He tells me, "Be still and know that I am God." And my brain screams, "I know, I know! Now give me a baby!" Doesn't quite work that way, does it? Stillness must be in us, not just a visible thing we carry around. The gap between knowing something and putting it to practice is sometimes just too big.