Women of Faith Conference and "pop up pain"

I'm sorry that this is kind of a sad and personal (and long) post. Maybe eventually I'll quit writing and talking about this stuff, but in the meantime, I use this blog to help me through some of it.

I just got back from the Women of Faith Conference in Houston. It was very cool. It was a good time with friends and I thought it would be a good time to "get away from it all" but "it all" followed me there. I don't really know why I thought I could actually escape it.

I was introduced to a new thing called "pop up pain." It's not a new thing, really. We all have it, I just didn't really have a term for it. I've never really tried to think of a term for it. "Pop up pain" is when everything is cool and you're thinking about fun, happy, smiley, chocolately things and then all of a sudden, out of nowwhere.....BAM, you're slammed with something you didn't want to think about. Atleast that's the way I understand it.

So, we're at the Toyota Center going up the tallest escalator I've ever seen, when...BAM there's the biggest picture I've ever seen of a baby covering a huge wall. And I think, "Oh, I want one of those."

(All around the mulberry bush....)

We found our seats and everything was cool. We were there for a couple of minutes before the people in front of us showed up. And out of 15,000 people and probably no more than 10 babies in the whole place, 2 brand new (nursing) ones and their mothers sat down......RIGHT in front of me. And I think, "Well, that's going to be distracting." For you men reading, I won't spend too much time on this. But of all the things I mourn about never having another biological child, what I mourn the most is that I'll never nurse another baby again.

(The monkey chased the weasel....)

So as if that wasn't enough, two of the verses that were talked about the first night were:

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Which is a verse that I have clung to over the last year of my life. It was kind of the "theme" of a talk I gave a month or so ago at our Ladies' Retreat. And.....

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14

Which is the verse that was on the front of the programs from our babies' memorial service. At the time of the memorial service, we had lost three. We have lost another one since then in January.

(The monkey thought 'twas all in fun.)

That was all Friday night.

So, then today, one of the songs they did this morning was Blessed Be Your Name, which is a song I can still hardly listen to without crying even though I was somehow able to sing it at the memorial service.

I decided that this was the perfect time to go the bathroom.

Then one of the two pregnant Avalon singers showed her baby boy's ultrasound picture on the big screen, while talking about feeling him kick for the first time and how cool that was.

(POP...goes the weasel!)

There were many other things. Constant.....constant reminders about our journey of loss. One thing after another the entire time. I am glad I went. I did not have any break downs, just incase any of you were wondering. I've gotten very good at "keeping it together."

One of the things that Lucy Swindoll talked about was really important to me. She talked about how we should not forget the small moments of joy even when they are fleeting or if they are connected with pain. It helped me to remember that I should not forget the joy and hope that surrounded all of my pregnancies. I should not forget or refuse to think about the joy of seeing them all on ultrasound for the first time. I should not forget how my heart skipped a beat when I first heard theirs. I should not allow myself to forget how happy we were when we found out Evan was a boy. Every one of those pregnancies was so wrapped up in pain that I don't allow myself to think about the joyous moments that all of them carried. It really hurts worse sometimes to think about those things than the horrific things. But those things need to be celebrated sometimes and I really do not allow myself to do that because it is too painful.

I want all of you who are reading this to know that I still love seeing babies. I 've always been drawn to babies. Babies do not cause me pain. Pregnant women do not cause me pain. I just think about them differently than I used to. When I see a new baby, I am so amazed, because I know how fragile life is. I thank God that that one made it. And when I see a pregnant woman or hear of a woman who is pregnant, I pray that they will never know the pain that I have known. But it is a mental excercise sometimes to keep that frame of mind. But the alternative frame of mind is not how I will live my life. It is not always easy. And sometimes I do well up with tears when I see a new baby. But it is not out of bitterness or envy. It is simply out of grief for what I do not have. It is all still very raw.

Anyway, all of that said, I am glad I went. I had a good time. But I am mentally and emotionally drained. I look forward to sleeping and waking up to a new day tomorrow.

By the way, there was a young lady there who was asked on stage to sign (sign language) along with Avalon. This young lady has Down Syndrome. She is AMAZING! I could not keep the tears back as I saw her perform sign language with her entire body along with the song. She has found what God created her to do and she is so beautiful.