So, there's this book I'm reading...

Sometimes I go to the Library and randomly select three or four books that I know absolutely nothing about. If they sound remotely interesting from the cover, I'll check them out. I've found some pretty good books this way. And I've found some total garbage. For some reasons I don't completely understand I'm drawn to books about people with really messed up lives. I'm not sure if it's because I can identify with those characters or if it's because it makes me feel better about my own life. Probably a little of both. For the most part I'm not interested in romance novels, civil war books, mob books, or books about magic. Those dislikes have nothing to do with any kind of moral compass or anything goofy like that. Just not interested.

Anyway, right now I'm reading a book called Serving Crazy with Curry by Amula Malladi. It's about a young Indian (as in from India, not Native American) woman about my age who decides, after a lot of tough breaks, to end her own life. She is almost successful in dying when her mother finds her and calls 911 and she doesn't die after all. So this woman, who feels like she's failed at everything else in her life, now has also failed at dying. So then thorough some circumstances and a newfound love of cooking (of all things) she decides she wants to live after all. It's really a pretty good book. The only problem I'm having with it is that all of the characters are Indian. So the names are totally foreign to me. The names seem neither male nor female and it's really hard to keep them straight.

Anyway, reading this book has made me start thinking about suicide. Don't read what I didn't say. I'm not thinking about committing suicide. Even in my deepest, darkest pit I never considered taking my own life. I'm just thinking about the topic and some of the implications of it, that's all. I thought about titling this post "Thinking about suicide." That's what I really wanted to call it. But I was pretty sure that my mom wouldn't get past the title of the post without hunting me down with the men in the white coats. So I changed my mind. I just kind of think the topic of suicide is a pretty interesting one. Now if you've lost someone because they made this decision, I mean no disrespect. And I don't mean to take the complexities of the human spirit out of the equation. I've never lost anyone this way and if I had my thoughts on it would be very different, I'm sure. So I should probably just leave this one alone and talk about something that I know. But hardly anyone is willing to broach this subject. Why is that? I think it's because it's just too big for us to wrap our brains around. There's no nice way to talk about it. So we don't. And if anyone brings up the topic, those around them wonder if they're considering it.

I know that many people who have committed suicide or attempted suicide are mentally ill and so the rationale that I'm looking at this through may be completely irrelevant. But is every suicide attempted by one who is sick or suffering from a real, clinical mental disorder? I doubt it. I think some people just make the very sane and controlled decision that they will not subject themselves to anymore of whatever it is they're being subjected to. And that's the mindset that I think is fascinating. I've always thought of suicide as a somewhat cowardly and selfish thing to do. And I guess it is or can be in some respects. But if you think about it, it's also pretty ballsy. Yes, I said ballsy. Get over it. To come to a point where you are willing to make the final decision to remove yourself from whatever pain or injustice you are suffering from. To really make that decision and not waiver. It's just hard to imagine what a person must be made of to be able to do that. I think it's easier to just say someone must have been crazy than to see them as "normal" and just like us.

I think that's the case with a lot of things. We look at the things people do or have done and we think, "Man, I would never do that." Or "I'm not capable of that." But I kind of think that we're all capable of anything given the right circumstances. And when we look at something someone else has done and think we're better than that, I think we're setting ourselves up for a fall. I think whether we like it or not, we are all the same.