Post-it Note

Phillip came across a post-it note the other day that says:

Mom and Dad,
I went over to Jenny's. I'll
probably ask her a "question."
See ya,
Phillip

He wrote that the day he asked me to marry him. That was almost 7 years ago. We are not very good at keeping up with things. So it's pretty weird that we still have this. I'm sure we'll probably loose it eventually.

Dang Ducks

Jack and I went to the park today and ate some lunch. There were about 5 ducks that wanted to join us. I had nothing to feed them except for potato chips and hard boiled eggs. The egg thing would have just been wrong. And I was afraid to feed them at all because those things will get violent. So they just watched us eat and quacked a lot. Jack threw a ball at them to make them go away. I told him that wasn't cool.

Dr. Paul

I met the man who delivered me into this world yesterday. He was at church on Sunday. I introduced myself to him and told him that he delivered me. He smiled and shook my hand and said it was good to meet me....again.

I bet he must get that a lot. Anyway, I just thought it was cool.

Happy Easter

Spiderman Pornography

I was googleing (googling?) for Spiderman images today for Jackson's birthday invitations and I came across THIS.... Just hideous!



Isn't it lovely? There are some others (full frontal) that I won't post. I sure wouldn't want to offend anyone. I've never seen anything quite as gross and as weird as this.

Easter Derby

Jack had his little Easter "parade" and egg hunt today at Preschool. The kids all made Easter hats to wear and they're pretty cheesy. They look a little fruity with the feathers.

Allowed to Proceed

We got an e-mail today from a rep. at Dillon International and the hold I mentioned earlier does not apply to us. So, we are able to proceed with the adoption stuff. Phew.

Korea Program: Temporarily on Hold

The agency we're using is putting a temporary hold on all new applications for their Korea program. I think we're o.k. Our initial application has been approved so I don't think this hold applies to us. Phillip e-mailed them to find out for sure. But it's still a little nerve wracking.

But, the reasons behind it are really good. It means that fewer babies from Korea are needing homes outside their country.....which is good news. Historically, there has been a negative social stigma there about domestic adoption and single mothers. These stigmas are slowly beginning to change. So with families in Korea deciding to adopt and more and more single mothers keeping their babies, there are less babies being put up for adoption. Social stigmas should not be allowed to dictate the future of a child.

Adoption is not the ideal. International adoption is really not the ideal. So, if it means we have to wait longer because these babies are going to be raised in their home country, that's fine with me. Even if it means we don't adopt a baby from Korea, that's still ok. Things will unfold just as they should. We will remain patient and open to what lies ahead.

Word of the day: Comfortable

Comfortable
adjective

providing physical ease and relaxation, not in pain, having what is needed or wanted, physically relaxed and free from constrain, pleasant, free from hardship, cozy, agreeable, content, undemanding.....

Are you comfortable?

I believe that very little can be learned when we are comfortable. I think there is little value in striving for comfort. I have learned the most from very uncomfortable situations.

At the Fountain

I took this today at the fountain behind the Civic Center. I have posted a few other pictures at my flickr page. Most of them have been posted on my blog before but there are a few that haven't.

Scrape

I took Jack to the fountain thing over by the Lake Jackson Civic Center this afternoon. He actually played in the water without any hesitation. Usually when we go, he's a chicken. He fell today and scraped his elbow and knee. I told him not to run about a hundred times but he didn't listen.

I don't know anything about Sandy Patti or the Supremes

Let me explain a little so you'll have some idea where the following conversation came from. I had the pleasure of hearing Sandy Patti sing at the Women of Faith Conference. Not a fan. She sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

Ok, so when I got home I told Phillip that Sandy Patti, who used to be a Supreme (?) was at the Conference. While laughing, Phillip, who is apparently an expert on Sandy Patti and The Supremes, told me that Sandy Patti was not a Supreme and that all of the Supremes were black. Well, excuse me. How was I to know?

Sandy Patti and her husband, Don Patti, later sang a duet that made me want to barf. I really can't even tell you what song it was. They were swapping back and forth between English and Latin (I think) while staring lovingly into each other's eyes. GAG! I thought they were going to start making out on the stage. When it was over, one of the Women of Faith said, "That was a moment." You got that right! I had to keep myself from laughing out loud during the song, but when she said that whole "moment" thing I just couldn't help myself anymore. Call me immature or whatever. I don't care.

The whole thing was about contagious joy and I found a joyful moment by laughing at the Pattis (Patties?).

From the balcony

I took some pictures fom our hotel room balcony, I haven't taken any night pictures before so I thought I would give it a try. They didn't turn out great, but I messed with these quite a bit and I don't think these look too bad.

Women of Faith Conference and "pop up pain"

I'm sorry that this is kind of a sad and personal (and long) post. Maybe eventually I'll quit writing and talking about this stuff, but in the meantime, I use this blog to help me through some of it.

I just got back from the Women of Faith Conference in Houston. It was very cool. It was a good time with friends and I thought it would be a good time to "get away from it all" but "it all" followed me there. I don't really know why I thought I could actually escape it.

I was introduced to a new thing called "pop up pain." It's not a new thing, really. We all have it, I just didn't really have a term for it. I've never really tried to think of a term for it. "Pop up pain" is when everything is cool and you're thinking about fun, happy, smiley, chocolately things and then all of a sudden, out of nowwhere.....BAM, you're slammed with something you didn't want to think about. Atleast that's the way I understand it.

So, we're at the Toyota Center going up the tallest escalator I've ever seen, when...BAM there's the biggest picture I've ever seen of a baby covering a huge wall. And I think, "Oh, I want one of those."

(All around the mulberry bush....)

We found our seats and everything was cool. We were there for a couple of minutes before the people in front of us showed up. And out of 15,000 people and probably no more than 10 babies in the whole place, 2 brand new (nursing) ones and their mothers sat down......RIGHT in front of me. And I think, "Well, that's going to be distracting." For you men reading, I won't spend too much time on this. But of all the things I mourn about never having another biological child, what I mourn the most is that I'll never nurse another baby again.

(The monkey chased the weasel....)

So as if that wasn't enough, two of the verses that were talked about the first night were:

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Which is a verse that I have clung to over the last year of my life. It was kind of the "theme" of a talk I gave a month or so ago at our Ladies' Retreat. And.....

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14

Which is the verse that was on the front of the programs from our babies' memorial service. At the time of the memorial service, we had lost three. We have lost another one since then in January.

(The monkey thought 'twas all in fun.)

That was all Friday night.

So, then today, one of the songs they did this morning was Blessed Be Your Name, which is a song I can still hardly listen to without crying even though I was somehow able to sing it at the memorial service.

I decided that this was the perfect time to go the bathroom.

Then one of the two pregnant Avalon singers showed her baby boy's ultrasound picture on the big screen, while talking about feeling him kick for the first time and how cool that was.

(POP...goes the weasel!)

There were many other things. Constant.....constant reminders about our journey of loss. One thing after another the entire time. I am glad I went. I did not have any break downs, just incase any of you were wondering. I've gotten very good at "keeping it together."

One of the things that Lucy Swindoll talked about was really important to me. She talked about how we should not forget the small moments of joy even when they are fleeting or if they are connected with pain. It helped me to remember that I should not forget the joy and hope that surrounded all of my pregnancies. I should not forget or refuse to think about the joy of seeing them all on ultrasound for the first time. I should not forget how my heart skipped a beat when I first heard theirs. I should not allow myself to forget how happy we were when we found out Evan was a boy. Every one of those pregnancies was so wrapped up in pain that I don't allow myself to think about the joyous moments that all of them carried. It really hurts worse sometimes to think about those things than the horrific things. But those things need to be celebrated sometimes and I really do not allow myself to do that because it is too painful.

I want all of you who are reading this to know that I still love seeing babies. I 've always been drawn to babies. Babies do not cause me pain. Pregnant women do not cause me pain. I just think about them differently than I used to. When I see a new baby, I am so amazed, because I know how fragile life is. I thank God that that one made it. And when I see a pregnant woman or hear of a woman who is pregnant, I pray that they will never know the pain that I have known. But it is a mental excercise sometimes to keep that frame of mind. But the alternative frame of mind is not how I will live my life. It is not always easy. And sometimes I do well up with tears when I see a new baby. But it is not out of bitterness or envy. It is simply out of grief for what I do not have. It is all still very raw.

Anyway, all of that said, I am glad I went. I had a good time. But I am mentally and emotionally drained. I look forward to sleeping and waking up to a new day tomorrow.

By the way, there was a young lady there who was asked on stage to sign (sign language) along with Avalon. This young lady has Down Syndrome. She is AMAZING! I could not keep the tears back as I saw her perform sign language with her entire body along with the song. She has found what God created her to do and she is so beautiful.

Jump

That's messed up

Well, Easter is coming up so Phillip and I went to Target last night to get some stuff for Jackson's Easter basket. And lo and behold, we found a Star Wars Easter Egg Decorating Kit. And so we thought there couldn't be a better way to celebrate Jesus' resurrection than to hard boil and color eggs and then cover them with Star Wars stickers. I'm not quite sure how Easter turned into a time to lie to our kids about some imaginary bunny coming and hiding eggs in our yards and leaving baskets of presents and candy. And now it has been taken to a new level. But, hey, we thought it was cool, so we bought it.

Along the same lines, Jackson's Easter basket is in the shape of Spiderman's (severed?) head with a handle. Cool huh?

Check out the Yoda egg picture. Just weird, that's all.

Mixed up theology

Jackson told me a little while ago that Spiderman is in my heart.

That's it. Nothing else to the story. Just thought it was worth sharing.

Ok, I'm done with that stuff.

I was just thinking as I was trying to go to sleep about origin of the earth stuff. That was one of the questions in the application. Anyway, it made me think of a question Jack asked me earlier today.

He said, "How did Jesus and God get to be Jesus and God?" And I said, "That's a very good question. I don't quite know the answer to that question."

This kid is going to give us a run for our money.....whatever that means.

Personal Christian Philosophy of Education

I'm getting my application, resume, transcripts, and other stuff together to turn in to the Christian School in our area. One of the sections of the applications requires that I type out my "Personal Christian Philosophy of Education." So, it's midnight. I want to get this done tonight so I can turn this stuff in tomorrow. And what am I doing? Blogging about having to do it. I will probably be up until atleast 2:00.

I'm kind of at a loss about where to begin with this. I could write a paragraph or two and spend 30 minutes on it. Or I could probably write several pages and spend several hours. I've never actually thought about this before. I'm not sure I technically have a Personal Christian Philosphy of Education, but I will by tomorrow.

Maybe I'll post it after I'm done with it. I'm sure it will be quite fascinating.

BTW - I'm not posting this because I want you to tell me what to write. That would be weak. And I don't think I would trust any of you anyway.

Sad