You're my favorite

It's been good having Phillip and Jackson home for the summer, but it's also been a little weird. The noise level in the house has more than doubled somehow. I so wanted this glorious chaos and now it's here everyday beating me over the head. Mikey is hilarious and precious and exhausting and infuriating all at the same time. Jackson hums, makes weapon sounds, acts like he's hard of hearing, and makes monotonous noises all day. Phillip plays with guitar stuff in our shared office sometimes when I'm trying to think, which of course he has every right to do. I'm beginning to feel the strain of the noise. I guess if we had several more kids I'd get used to it and learn to ignore more stuff. I think the insanity is starting to get to Phillip too. I think both of us just want time alone. And we have parents in town who take the kids a lot. I don't know how other parents do it. I really don't. And we only have two kids. I guess you just do what you have to do. We know that we are very fortunate.

I feel like I have to precede this next part by telling you that we adore our kids. I know that shouldn't have to be said, but I guess it's just the guilty conscience in me.

But this is the thing, Phillip is my favorite. He's the main person in this house that I want to hang out with. He's the one who doesn't set me completely on edge. And I'm probably that for him most of the time. The more the kids annoy me, the more I look forward to having an empty nest. I've heard about married couples loosing their marriage through all the years of raising kids. And I know we still have plenty of time for that to happen to us. But I really don't think it will. Sometimes I feel like this is mine and Phillip's house and we're just letting these kids live here for a while. Sometimes when the noise level is out of control and Mikey has crumbled crackers all over the floor for the umpteenth time and Jackson is singing "Sunshine of Your Love" at the top of his lungs, I just look at Phillip and I want to run away with him.

Someday the boys may try to tell me that I favor one of them over the other. That the other brother is my favorite. And I will be quick to tell them the truth of the matter. And that truth is that neither one of them is my favorite. They both fill me equally with joy and annoyance in their own distinct and special ways. I will tell them that their daddy is my favorite.

I know some people will tell me to enjoy this time, that they grow up so fast. And I know that's true. Jackson is already six and I just can't believe how smart and independent he is. I really am enjoying this time. But Phillip and I came first and we'll be the ones who stay around after the boys grow up and leave. We are the constant in each other's craziness. And as much as I love the toys thrown all over the place and the sticky kisses and coloring with broken crayons, I also look forward to the days when it's just me and Phillip again.

He's the reason that I have these kids. He's the one who decided to venture into this parenting thing with me. He's the one who shares in the daily triumphs and struggles. And he's just my favorite.