About Mikey's biological mom

Now that Mikey's adoption is final and there's no going back, Phillip and I have talked about establishing some kind of contact with his biological mom. By "contact" all I mean is sending her pictures a couple of times a year via a P.O. box and accepting any letters or pictures that she might want to send our way.

We broached this subject with CPS on the day we signed Mikey's placement papers a week before the adoption. We were pretty much shot down. She said this is the first time she remembered an adoptive family volunteering and desiring to have contact with a biological family. Sometimes when an older child comes into care and is adopted, that child can still have some contact with biological family. But when the child is an infant like Mikey, I don't think it usually comes up. Anyway, our CPS worker and Arrow director told us they didn't think it was a good idea for us to reach out to her. They couldn't understand why we would want to do that.

I think the reasons are pretty simple. But maybe I'm just naiive about the whole thing. His mother made a lot of mistakes. There's no denying that. If she hadn't, he wouldn't have been taken from her at birth and placed with us. But she chose to give him life. She voluntarily signed the relinquishment papers so he could have a chance at a life that she couldn't provide for him. Her choices, good and bad, brought him to us. I think the day will come when Mikey will want to meet her. And I think if there's already some established contact it would make that easier on all of us.

I think it's sad that she carried and gave birth to this beautiful child that she's hardly ever seen. Again, I know she made choices that caused that outcome. I guess I would just like for her to be able to see pictures of him every now and then. If faced with another pregnancy, I would like for her to choose life again because of his big brown eyes. I would like for her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she did the right thing. I would like for her to sleep easier at night knowing that he's healthy and loved and gorgeous.

Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing. But for his sake, I need to believe that she thinks about him. I need to believe that she mourns the loss of him. I need to believe that she wanted him back but just didn't have the discipline to do what she needed to do. Because someday that's what he will want to hear. Because even though he doesn't know her, he will find pieces of his self worth in her. He will want to know that he was wanted by her and that she loved him. And that's what we'll tell him. Whether we have proof of it or not, that's what he'll hear from us.

The only proof I have of that now is that at the last visit she had with him we looked into each other's eyes and smiled. Not just a pleasant smile you offer to a stranger. But a genuine smile from one mother to another. And at that same visit she put a little stuffed brown dog in his diaper bag. It sits up on a shelf so it doesn't get messed up. And until I have anything else to offer him, those things are what I'll hang onto.

So that's why we want to have some contact with her. That's why we would like to have a letter from her telling him these things. That's why we would like for him to someday see a picture of her pretty face. Because right now what we have to offer him about her is incomplete. We want him to feel complete.

We haven't made any decisions about if, when, or how we will contact her. We want to do the right thing for her and our family. Hearing from us may cause her even more pain. We wouldn't want that. And we wouldn't want to invite her into our lives if she isn't safe. I'm hoping that we'll know the right thing to do and the right time to do it.