Busted!

We got back from the Emergency Room a little while ago. Jackson busted his lip up pretty good. I think he was trying to "help" Phillip lift his curl bar when he fell off of the office chair and ate the curl bar. Anyway, these things happen with little boys. Thankfully, he was actually dressed when it happened. Usually he's just running around in his underwear. He was a pretty tough kid through the whole thing. He ended up with five stitches on the outer part of his lip and two stitches on the inside. This is Jackson's first experience with the Emergency Room. They actually got us in and out of there in about an hour and a half. That's pretty amazing. So, anyway, here are some pictures. He looks quite a bit different than he did in the pictures from yesterday.

Almost 5

Jackson will be five years old in less than two weeks. That is really hard to believe. We went to my mom's house today and I got some pictures of Jackson and Baby M. Here are a few of Jackson. He's such a cutie.

Canceled

Well, the visit today was canceled. I wasn't given a reason and I couldn't post it on here even if I was. But I am SO EXCITED AND RELIEVED! This is yet another small victory for us. I'm smiling from ear to ear as I type this. Thanks for praying.

Visit today

We have a scheduled visit today with M.'s bio. mom. It will just be one hour supervised, but I still dread these visits. I get pretty nervous when I drive up to the place and get ready to go inside. I guess as time goes by, maybe I won't get so nervous anymore. Anyway, please pray for us today. I really hope she decides to cancel the visit. That would make my day.

You are wanted

Some friends of ours had a baby girl yesterday morning. She has been long awaited. She was born into a wonderful family with many adoring friends. We went to the hospital to visit her. It is such a neat thing to be a part of the excitement that a new baby brings. There were several groups of people gathered around the nursery windows looking at the wrinkled, little screaming newborns. Everyone thinks that the baby they are there to see is the cutest one in the nursery. It is so cool to be part of the celebration of a new life.


As we were there looking at those babies, I couldn't help thinking about baby M. Who was there to adore him through the glass? Who was there taking pictures of him and going on and on about his hair color or long eyelashes? Was his entrance into this world overlooked until he got to our house? How sad to think that this beautiful child could have spent the first two days of his life without being bathed in the excitement most other babies are bathed in. Did he have a nursery waiting for him with his biological family? Did his mom have a baby shower and receive gifts she has not had a chance to use? Somehow, I doubt it.

When he got to our house, all of that changed. He became the most beautiful baby in the world. He received gifts and was doted over. He was photographed. He had an instant family. He was kissed and held and whispered to. He was placed in a room that was lovingly prepared for him. He was wanted.

I tell him that a lot. I know he doesn't understand what I'm saying to him. But I think he needs to hear it anyway. I hold him close and I whisper in his ear, "You are wanted. You are not a mistake. You are a gift and right now at this time in your life, you are wanted."

My boys

After I got done with my previous post, I went into the living room to find this sight. Aren't they cute?

Looking Back, Looking Forward

This morning's church service was pretty difficult for Phillip and me. Greg and Tommy answered some questions that people in our church have had about pain and suffering. It's impossible to actually come to any real resolution on this subject, especially in less than an hour. But I think they did a really good job of tackling the subject.

Anyway, this service caused me to think about some things that I don't think of so much anymore. For the first time in a while, I thought about Evan. I thought about holding him and seeing him. I thought about being pregnant with him and feeling him move within me. I thought about the cast we have of his little hands and feet prints. I thought about the memorial service we had for him and the two babies we lost before him. I remembered again why we feel so bonded to some close friends of ours. It was good to let myself think of that stuff again. But it was also very difficult. I was told to be prepared but you really can't be prepared for emotion. It just comes when it comes and goes when it goes. You can't really do a whole lot to prepare for it either way.

After I got home from church, I got on my blog and read some stuff that I wrote during that time in our lives. I have not revisited those words in a very long time. In fact, the link to June 2005 is a link that I avoid even looking at, let alone actually clicking on. But today I did. I read all of it again and I'm very glad that I chose to write during that time. I could have decided to keep it all to myself. But if I had kept it to myself it would not have been there to comfort me today. I'm glad that I am able to go back and be reminded (by myself of all people) that God is faithful. I'm relieved to see that someone can live through that and come out on the other side with their sanity (sort of) and their sense of humor intact.

I'm glad I wrote it because in a different way, we are facing again the possible loss of another baby we have come to love. The terror that gripped me back then has been creeping back in lately and I read some things today that I needed to hear. To quote myself, I read that.....

"These babies were never mine to hold onto in the first place." - June 14, 2005

"...But until then I will trust that God is sovereign, He is on His throne, He has not forsaken me, and He desires and deserves my love." - June 14, 2005

"But the thing is that He is God. And I'm not saying that He does cause or allow things to happen, but so what if He does? He's God, and who am I to question what He is doing?" - July 31, 2005

"I look forward to seeing how I will be refined for His purpose. I welcome whatever else God sees fit to add to my job description. Bring it on! I'm ready! And for the times when I am not ready, that is when He will show Himself to me in ways I never could have imagined." - July 31, 2005

"Embrace your joy, but know that it may be paired with grief." - July 13, 2005

And so, by looking back on some things that I wrote in the past, I have been given a little nudge to look forward to the future. I'm still scared of losing another baby. But I know that whatever happens, I will be o.k. I will persevere. I will be comforted and I will provide comfort. This life is a blink. I am here to learn. Every good thing is a gift from God. For however long we have it, it is a gift. My children are gifts for however long I have them. I'm so thankful right now that my arms are full. I hope to always consider this time in my life as a blessed time no matter what the outcome may be.

Fat Healthy Baby

Little M. is getting so big and chunky. He's just got the cutest little rolly body. I wish I could post some pictures of him. But most of you who read this see him somewhat regularly anyway. I want to take him out somewhere like the College or something soon and get some more pictures of him. I want to get some of him in just his diaper so it needs to be kind of warm outside. We have absolutely fallen in love with this baby. He's very pleasant. He doesn't cry very often. He wakes up in the morning talking and smiling. This has been a time in our lives that we will always remember very fondly. He's just really cool.

What will I be when I grow up?

Until recently, I haven't given a whole lot of thought to what kind of career I might want to have some day. I haven't wanted to have any kind of career as long as I have preschoolers at home. Jack will be starting kindergarten in the fall. And of course, we are hoping like crazy we are able to adopt the new little guy. If that happens, I would continue to stay home and just work part time until he is school aged. But if things don't go the way we hope, I may think about going to work full time...for the first time in my life. I really don't like the thought of going to a job early in the morning Mon-Fri and getting home just in time to start cooking dinner. But, it would really allow us to get ourselves in a much better financial situation.

Anyway, I think at some point down the road I'll probably go through an alternative certification program for becoming a teacher. Here is the website for the Region IV alternative certification program. I have enough core hours for Early Childhood Generalist. So, assuming I could get a position locally, I could teach kindergarten-fourth grade. I think I would like that...at least for two or three years. I could also teach Secondary Business courses. That would be AWESOME!! Oh man, I think I'd rather be beaten and left for dead. O.k., I guess it wouldn't be that bad. If I taught for three years or so, we could probably pay off our house and cars and then I would never have to work again. That would be the only reason I would be willing to do it. I think during those three years I would be a horrible person to live with. I barely keep up with house work and grocery shopping now so I can't imagine how I'd do it if I were working full time. I know lots of women do it but I'm not sure if I could handle it for very long.

Sort of along the same lines, but not really....
I believe that some day (hopefully before we're old and gray) either me or Phillip or both of us will have careers that we love. That is really a dream of mine. Phillip likes his job o.k., but he is capable of so much more. Not that teaching isn't a noble and necessary field, but I feel like he's barely tapping into his musical abilities and gifts in his current job. I guess most people probably feel like their job is just a way to pay the bills. We are grateful for his job and that is does pay the bills. I think we both are really hoping for more some day. We need to find somewhere within ourselves the drive to make our dreams a reality.

Poor Kiefer

Well, it's kind of strange that I just blogged about our cat a few days ago. Kiefer got hit by a car this morning and died. Poor little thing. He was only about 6 months old. He was pretty bad about laying down in the middle of the road and not moving out of the way of cars.

I think the hardest thing about it was having to tell Jackson. That cat slept on Jack's bed almost every night. After I picked Jackson up from preschool, I pulled over in a parking lot and parked the truck and told him to come sit in the front seat with me. I told him that Kiefer got hit by a car. He asked me if he was still alive. When he realized he was dead, his eyes welled up with tears and in a quivering voice he said, "Well, we'll just have to get a new kitty." He said that if we get a new kitty, he'll be more fun than our other kitty. Man, I guess I was expecting a little more sympathy from Jackson. When we were almost home he said, "He was just a baby kitty. And it's more sad when baby kitties get hit by cars than when kid kitties or gown up kitties get hit by cars." I told him I agreed with that.

So, anyway, I'm pretty sad about the whole thing. He was a really good cat. And as far as I'm concerned a good cat is hard to come by. I don't think Phillip and I are going to be just real eager to run out and get another cat. I guess we'll have to see how Jack feels about things over the next few days. Overall, we have not had very good luck with cats.

A BIRD!!

A BIRD...HE KILLED A BIRD..

OOPS, MY BAD! (I hate it when people say that.)

The Cat

In an effort to avoid cleaning the house, I thought I would take a few minutes to write about our cat.

First of all, he is a much better cat than our previous cat, Travis. Travis was a royal pain in the butt from the moment we got him. He had a really loud whine that drove us all crazy. Kiefer, the new cat, doesn't do that. He rarely ever meows. We occasionally hear him whine a little, but he's not very persistent. If he doesn't get what he wants, he just moves on with his life. He stays outside most of the time, but we let him for a little while everyday. He just comes in and eats and sleeps. If he wants to go back outside, he just goes and lays down in front of the front door until someone notices he's there. We can't leave any of the baby's stuff laying around or he'll get it and decide it's a toy. He's chewed up two pacifiers and one bottle nipple so far. But other than that, he's pretty cool. He killed (or destroyed as Jack would say) a few days ago and drug it onto our porch. It's probably still there. I'm certainly not going to deal with it. Man, you know there's nothing noteworthy going on if I have to blog about our cat.

Surprise!

As I was taking Jackson to preschool today, I passed by a church that likes to post "clever" sayings out on their message board thing. Today it said, "Surprise God: Show up Easter Sunday." I think that is really tacky. Just thought I would share.

Small Victory

This morning we had a small victory with baby M. I can't get into specifics, but all we need are a few more small victories over the course of the next few months and he could be ours forever.

Rough night

When we first got baby M. I felt pretty positive that we would be able to keep him. I'm still hopeful, but I'm beginning to worry he might not stay. I can't get into any details about his situation. But his biological mother is trying to get him back and that's enough to scare us pretty bad. We are getting the feeling from C.P.S. that things could go in that direction. I need to try to be positive about things, but I also have to be realistic.

Like so many other times in the past I am faced with wondering what faith really is and if I have any at all. So many people make it seem like that if you just pray hard and often enough for something and believe with all your might, that you can change the outcome of a situation. And I know that this does happen sometimes, but it doesn't happen every time. I'm so tired of the rose colored glasses responses like "Everything will work out for the best" or "God's got the perfect baby picked out for you" or whatever the phrase of the day may be. The truth is that everything might not work out for the best. And God may not have any more babies picked out for us at all. And we've got to get to a point that we're o.k. with that if that is what life brings us. I have to be willing to accept that we may not have anymore children. And right now I'm not to that point yet.

When we began this process almost a year ago my prayer was, "God, please don't give us a baby that we can't keep." I have no idea how many times I thought or uttered that prayer. Probably hundreds of times. But I cannot believe that just because I prayed it with my whole heart that it will be granted. Is that lacking in faith? I know that God is God. I know that He is good and sovereign. I know that He heard that prayer every time I prayed it. I know that He sees my entire life right now as I type this. I believe all of those things with everything that is in me. But I can't make myself have the faith that He will let us keep this child just because it is my heart's desire. I really wish I could have faith like that. I've heard people say that faith is not only believing that God can, but that He will. That just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe it's just to make myself feel better or something. But I think that faith is knowing that He is God even when everything falls apart around us. I think faith is not wavering in allegiance or love or respect even when we are badly disappointed by something out of our control.

I think that if M. doesn't stay, we may have to decide that we've had enough of this roller coaster. We've been expecting another child for three years. For three years we have considered ourselves an incomplete family. For the majority of Jackson's life we have been either expecting the arrival of or mourning the loss of a baby. I think that maybe the time has come for us to begin to see our lives for what they are and not what we think they should be or what we hope for them to be some day. I shudder to think of the energy and time I have lost pining away for another child at the expense of the one child that I do have.

I'm not throwing in the towel. I haven't decided or accepted that he's not staying. But really for the first time since we've had him, I'm making myself face the possibility that we could really lose him. Someone could actually walk up to our house and take him away forever. That could really happen. And I'm just having a very hard time with it at the moment.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom

• My kids drive me crazy sometimes.
• I yell too much....well, not yell exactly....raise my voice.
• I cut corners when it comes to house work.
• I would like to have a house keeper but I wouldn't want her to see how messy my house can get.
• I let my son watch too much t.v. to keep him out of my hair and off my back.
• I've thought about teaching my four year old to change the baby's diapers so I don't have to do it.
• I can't wait until my son is old enough to vacuum and do dishes without making more of a mess for me to clean up.
  
• Sometimes I think a full time job (with good pay) might be more fun.
• I have an idealistic view of how other moms do it and think they've got to be better at it than me.
• My idea of straightening a room is closing the door so I don't have to look at it.
• I think my husband should have a good meal at work so he doesn't expect one when he gets home.
• I would make a list of everything I need to do, but then that would be one more thing that I would have to do that day.
  

Why am I keeping this blog?

I don't know why I still have this blog. I am barely writing anymore. I don't know if anyone is reading it anymore since I had to make it private. Oh well, maybe eventually I'll get back to writing regularly.

Some of the stuff that I would like to write about I can't because it's stuff about the baby and it confidential....wow that's a long sentence. And I can't post pictures of him either and that stinks. Man, we've gotten some great pictures of him. He's a beautiful baby. After he's ours legally I'll post hundreds to catch up. Anyway, about him, he's still here and he's doing great. He has his second hour long visit with bio. mom tomorrow afternoon. Not looking forward to that, but I gotta do it anyway. She's beginning to do some of the things required of her to regain custody. And it's a long list, so I'm not too worried....but I am kind of worried. I think both of us tried to keep a little distance in the beginning. But, after having him living with us for 10 weeks, we're just totally in love with him and cannot begin to imagine life without him. So, that's scary, but there's not much I can do about it.

Jackson is as crazy as ever. He's been great with the baby. He hasn't really been jealous but he's been kind of insecure. He's been needing a lot of reassurance and approval lately. And that's fine. I can't believe he's about to be five years old. He'll be starting kindergarten in the fall and I'm not ready for that. Well, I gotta get Jack out of the bathtub before he gets pruned.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Man, I have not written in a LONG time. Having two kids is a lot harder than having one. I don't have the time to do lots of things I used to do, but that's o.k.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to use a Jackson poop story to wish you all a happy St. Patrick's Day.

Jackson pooped earlier today and it was very green. And I said, "Oh, it's green and yucky!" or something like that. And Jackson said, "Well, it is St. Patrick's Day." We are pretty proud of his quick wit.

All right, well, I guess I better be going. I'll try to write more often.

Jedi Masters don't go to the dentist

We are about to leave for Jackson's first dentist appointment. He is trying everything he can think of to talk me out of this. His last attempt was to tell me that he's a Jedi Master and Jedi Masters don't go to the dentist.

Losing Weight

I'm excited and proud to say that I've lost about 10 lbs. in the last couple of months. I'm really pretty amazed. I haven't been doing a whole lot to loose it. I'm not on a diet and I don't feel deprived. I've just been more intentional about what I'm choosing to eat. I'm eating three meals a day and a snack or two. I'm eating smaller portions and looking at labels and trying to avoid things that I know I shouldn't eat. I'm putting much less sugar in my coffee and I'm eating only whole wheat bread. We haven't even purchased sodas or chips in quite a while (except for Pringles for Jackson). Anyway, just thought that I would share. Now I just need to keep it off.

What a day!

Man, today has been nuts! And it's only 2:00.

It began with an alarm clock "malfunction" which caused me to get up later than I needed to. The baby woke me up ten minutes later than the alarm clock was supposed to, but I really needed those ten minutes.

After feeding him, I woke Jackson up, who had just recently soaked his bed.

Between the baby fussing and screaming I managed to fix Jackson's breakfast and get his valentines ready for him to take to school. We left for preschool with a screaming baby and waited in the drop off line for the ladies to quit their chit-chatting and get my kid out of the car.

I had planned on depositing some money in the bank after I deposited Jackson at preschool. But my "check gauges" light came on as I was pulling out of the preschool parking lot. The person that drove my truck last did not refill the tank. Ggrrrrrr!!! Of course I did not have my wallet with me so I could not get any gas. I drove home hoping that I wouldn't run out of gas with a screaming baby in my car.

After we got home, the baby stopped crying long enough for me to eat breakfast and have some coffee.

Then after he cried some more, he quit crying long enough for me to get a quick shower.

Before I knew it it was time to go get gas and go back to the preschool line to pick up Jackson. Much to my surprise, the baby slept through that ordeal.

After picking Jackson up and going to the bank, I made the mistake of going through the Chick-Fil-A drive through. The cars were lined up around Chick-Fil-A and into the drive to get to Wal-Mart. So, while I'm in this line and blocking people who want to go past Chick-Fil-A, an evil woman honks at me.....and WAKES UP THE BABY!! Then he screamed his head off for about the next 20 minutes.

After getting home and changing the first of two horrific dirty diapers, I was finally able to sit down and eat a cold and soggy chicken salad sandwich from Chick-Fil-A.

The baby is asleep now but I'm not sure how long that will last. He has not slept more than thirty minutes in a row so far today....but he has fussed, whined, and cried for more than thirty minutes in a row. But he also smiled at me several times so I forgive him for all the screaming.

There's a pile of laundry to be folded on the couch and dirty dishes in the sink. I have no clue what we will be having for dinner and I don't even care.

All of that said, aside from being tired and cranky, I'm happier than I have been in a long time. That might not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me. I gotta go fight with lightsabers real quick before the baby wakes up again.

He's a moose

We went to the WIC office today to get WIC for M. Since he's a foster child, I'm supposed to do that. Anyway, they weighed his chubby fanny and he was 11 lb., 3 oz. He was clothed with a pretty wet diaper, but still. This kid was 9,10 a week ago. What if he's eating too much??!! What if I'm turning him into a little fatty? Phillip says he looks like Rush Limbaugh. I think he's just cute.

Pink eye, ear infection, and a new baby

Jack has had a cold for a couple of weeks now. It would seem like he was getting over it and then it would get worse again. Finally yesterday, I could tell that we needed to go to the doctor. And as I suspected, he has an ear infection. Jackson has not had to be on an antibiotic since he was about 10 months old. He rarely gets sick and he usually gets rid of it pretty quick if he does. But now that we've got a new baby, of course he gets sick. So, I've got a cold, Jack's got a cold. Phillip somehow has avoided getting this. We've been keeping Jackson shut in his room with his portable DVD player. Anyway, Jackson woke up this morning with his eyes glued shut and all red.

Now we're trying to keep the baby from getting a cold...and pink eye! This is AWESOME!! Phillip's mom (A.K.A. Nana) is coming over soon to save the poor baby from this sick house. I have held the baby as little as possible for the last week or so in hopes that I wouldn't give him my cold. I feel bad that I haven't been able to spend more time with him. But most of all, I just don't want him to get sick.

I'm using Lysol like it's going out of style and my hands are cracked and red from washing them every 10 minutes. Ok, gotta go.

Growing like a weed

Baby M. had a Dr. appointment today. At birth he weighed 7lb., 13 oz. A week later he weighed 8lb., 3 oz. And today, two weeks later, he weighs a whopping 9lb., 10 oz. I could not believe it. They weighed him twice just to make sure. And he has grown 3/4 of an inch in two weeks. I knew he was getting bigger, but I had no idea he had grown that much. He has gained almost two pounds in three weeks!! That's nuts.

I'm trying to make his room a little more permanent. I'm replacing some of the pink stuff with blue stuff. And as much as I love that rug, I'm afraid it's going to have to go in a closet. Well, that's it for now.

Oh yeah, and I FINALLY got my saxophone back from stinking B&H Music. I can't find any of my mouth pieces though so I haven't played it yet. It came with one....but.....GROSS. I may just have to place it on ebay without playing it if I can't find my own mouth pieces. The repairman said it plays great. I may just have to take his word for it.

Sick again

Man, I've got a cold again. It seems like I get this crud at least every other month. It usually goes straight to my throat. I loose my voice numerous times every year, which is not good for someone who sings on occasion. It started yesterday afternoon and I didn't realize until just now that I have an almost full bottle of Zicam. So, I started it now but I'm not expecting it to help a whole lot. Man, that stuff is gross.

In case you're wondering, things are going pretty well with the baby. He wants to eat all the time. Or it seems like that anyway. He's taking about 4 ounces every three hours if we can hold him off that long. He has another Dr. appt. on Wednesday. I think I'll ask if it's o.k. for me to go up to 5 ounces. He's starting to get some newborn acne stuff. Jack had that really bad for over a month. I hope this one just gets a mild case. I'm starting to "hear" him crying even when he's not crying. Can anyone else identify with that. It's weird. It seems like that happened when Jack was a baby too. Maybe I'm just going a little bit nuts. Well, the kiddo is awake and hungry again. Phillip and I are hoping to get in an episode of 24 tonight after he goes back to sleep. I know I should just go to bed, but I just can't make myself go to bed before 10:30.

No time to blog

I just really haven't had the time lately to write anything new. Things are going pretty good, but I'm just really busy. M. wants to be held a lot of the time. He's been a little more irritable the last few days. I feel like Jackson is not getting enough time with me. I guess that's how it is for all moms with new babies. Anyway, I think the first six weeks will end up being kind of a blur for all of us. I have no earthly idea how mothers of toddlers handle a new baby. Jackson is 4 1/2 and a big help and it's still hard having two kids. I can't imagine having three kids under five and we know lots of people who have done it. Either they are superheros or just flat insane. Not sure which.

Some of you have asked if we need anything. Honestly, we've got just about everything we could possibly need right now. Lots of clothes, diapers, wipes, soap, etc. I think if we're able to adopt this guy, then we'll probably have some kind of shower/adoption celebration thing. Well, I gotta try to get myself somewhat presentable while M. is content in the swing....it won't last long. Thanks for your interest and prayers.

Non-Identifying Pictures

O.K., I just can't stand it any longer. I have to post a couple of pictures of the new baby. I'm pretty sure it's o.k. to post these since they don't show his face. All of you rule follower people, don't rat me out. I've seen other foster parent blogs and they put pics of their kids without showing their faces.

The Chosen One

My Star Wars fanatic son has decided that I am "The Chosen One" to change the baby's diapers. I was cooking last night so Phillip had to stop playing with Jackson to change a dirty diaper. Jackson said that was my job, not Daddy's because I am "The Chosen One." Pretty clever....and annoying, I thought.

On a somewhat related note, the little guy slept five hours in a row last night. Sweet! I told Phillip if he keeps doing this, he can definitely stay.

Baby update

So far, this little guy is doing just great. He eats a lot. It seems like we're always feeding or changing him. But we are having a blast! He is a very good baby. He went for his first doctor's appointment today and he has gained four ounces since he was born a week ago. It doesn't take long to fall in love with a new baby. For our own sake, we should probably hold back. But, it's pretty impossible and he deserves every bit of love he can get. And he'll get it here. We may hurt a little more in the future, but it's worth it. Also, if he does become our son, I don't want to have any regrets about this time in his life. I don't want to feel like I didn't give him all the kisses and love he deserved just to protect myself from pain.

Several people have asked me if I'm tired. Actually, I'm not all that tired. So far, I've been getting around 6-7 hours a night broken into a couple of sessions. More than anything, I'm starving! I keep forgetting to take the time to eat until I'm almost in pain. The last couple of mornings I didn't eat anything until around 11:00. So, I need to get up earlier or something. It's like with laundry and playing with Jackson and taking care of the baby, there's just not time in the day for me to grab a bite. Anyway, things are going great. Maybe I'll even loose a few pounds. That would be nice.

New Baby

We got a call yesterday afternoon about a newborn boy that needed a home. We said yes. About three hours later, they brought a beautiful 2 day old boy to our house....and left. Since he is a foster child, I can't state his name or post pictures. We'll just call him M. We don't know a whole lot right now. We hope that we get to keep him but it will be a few months before we know that. But right now, he's here and he's gorgeous. Please pray for M. and this family.

Why private?

Well, I found out today that my father and his wife found mine and Phillip's blogs. I'm not going to get into any details, except that we do not have a relationship with them and they don't need to know what's going on in our lives. Not to be tacky, but they would not have had the brains to google us and find our blogs if they had not had help from someone a little more computer savvy. I knew I was taking a risk by posting under my real name, but I really wasn't expecting them to ever find it. I'm just glad I found out. So, I was faced with either deleting all of my posts and living a blog free life or just making it private. I know it's a pain to have to log in. And for all of your google reader people, you won't be able to find us there anymore. Sorry about that. But for Jackson's safety and my sanity, those people just can't be allowed to read it anymore. So, if you know of anyone who did not get an invitation, they just need to get in touch with me and I'll send them one. Thanks for sticking with me.

Jackson mosaic

I put this together with the flickr mosaic maker thing. I'm trying to get some pictures of Jackson framed and up on the wall. I made this and ordered it. I'm curious to see how it turns out printed.

Check out my flickr page

Saxophone update

I'm sure you all must be wondering what's going on with the vintage sax I bought a couple of months ago. Well, I'm wondering myself. The good folks at B&H told me it would be finished by the end of November. By the second week in December it still was not done. At that time he told me it should be finished later that day. I called back after Christmas and it was still not done. Should be early next week. Still not done. I guess I'll call next week and see if it's finished yet. I'm sure I'll end up having to be nasty and wretched before he gets around to getting it put back together.

I made the mistake of telling the repairman that I was going to try to turn it around on ebay so he knows I'm not in a big hurry to get it back and play it. But I am in a hurry to get it back and sell it. If I get enough for it, I think I'm going to buy a Digital SLR to fool around with. I think I would get more use out of that than a saxophone. Maybe someday I'll get another one. I miss playing but there's only so much you can do with a tenor saxophone unless you're in a band or something regularly. And I don't have time for that.

Ups and Downs

We thought we were getting a baby girl today. Then a couple of hours later we found out that we weren't after all. Somehow the powers that be didn't realize that the baby we were going to get has a brother. And they want to place the kids together. The boy is 6 months old and the girl is under two years old. I thought it was a "done deal." I even told Jackson that today was the day. So, needless to say, we're very disappointed. When she told me about the brother, I asked if we could take them both. She said she wasn't sure but would check into it. I'm not counting on it of course. I'm beginning to think we've made a big mistake trying to adopt domestically. I'm trying not to wallow in my own little pity party, but I'm really getting sick of being jerked around. I think at this point if we could turn back time, we would not have looked into adoption at all. We would have just accepted that maybe we're not meant to have anymore kids. Anyway, maybe tomorrow will bring better news.

The cat

Some pics of the cat. He still doesn't have a name. We'll try and decide on that pretty soon. The first picture was when Jackson saw him for the first time. He reached into the bag before he saw what was in there and it startled him. When Jack saw him in the bag he said, "A real cat!!" I think it was a big hit.

A few Christmas morning pictures

Here are just a few pictures from this morning. There will be more posted later.
I'm sure you can't wait.

This is Jackson's first time to try his new guitar. For a video of him playing his new guitar, check out Phillip's blog.

Here we have Jackson pushing the "try me" button on his Star Wars transformers. He stopped wrapping it to push the button for a while. We had to remind him to finish unwrapping it.

Some other Star Wars toy. Looks pretty cool, I guess.

This is a picture of the mess that Santa left on our table. Man, he's a slob. We were going to try to make cookies last night for Santa, but it didn't really work out too well. So Josh and Ashley saved the day and brought over some cookies so Santa wouldn't go hungry.
Thanks, guys.

New Addition

Ok, it's not what you're thinking. Sorry to disappoint you. But we will be getting a new addition for Christmas. Phillip's brother, Josh and his finance, Ashley are getting Jackson (and me) a kitten for Christmas. We saw him yesterday. He's pretty cute. They're keeping him until we go to Phillip's parent's house on Christmas morning. I think Jackson is going to be pretty surprised by the whole thing. He's a little 12 week(?) gray/white/black tabby. He's got a few unique markings on his face and legs.

I think Jackson would like to get a cat that looks like Travis, but at Christmas time the pickins are slim. Jackson still talks about Travis pretty often. He prays for Travis almost every night. He says, "Thank you for Travis and help him to come back home." Isn't that pitiful? Poor "Devil Cat." Jackson says that we lost Travis instead of saying that Travis ran away.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Jackson will just play with him, I'll take care of him and clean up his messes, and Phillip will tolerate him. We're not sure if we're going to let Jackson do the naming or not. If Jack names him, he'll be named like Qui-Gon or Ki'adi or Mace Windu or something along those lines. Phillip and I are thinking about either Kiefer or Dander, both names we considered when naming Travis. We both think Kiefer is a pretty funny name for an animal.... or anyone for that matter. But with the popularity of 24, we may avoid that one. You know we'll be posting lots of pics Christmas day.

Jack's Christmas program

Here is a clip from Jackson's Christmas program. Jackson was a shepherd. He told me that morning that his shepherd costume was a big orange t-shirt.

It was taken with our digital camera at 10 frames/second and then scaled down to fit on you tube, so as you can imagine, the quality is not great. It's also like four minutes long. Anyway, we thought Jackson did pretty well considering he cried the first couple times they got on stage to practice. I don't know if you can tell from this or not, but the little girl next to Jack seems pretty annoyed with the whole thing. Pardon the horrible camera work.

Some pictures at the College

We went out to the college this afternoon to see if there are any decent places to take pictures. I'm going to be taking some pictures of some friends out there on Thursday and wanted to check it out beforehand. There's a pond out there that's pretty cool. Maury, is that your dad's name on that plaque? Anyway, here are some pictures of Jackson that I took today. He was being particularly uncooperative. I got a couple of good ones of Phillip looking very GQ (unintentionally), but he would get mad if I put them on here. So, I won't....today.

Kit Fisto Suit

As most of you know, Jackson loves Star Wars. He likes to pretend to be characters from the different movies. He has six different light sabers. If he has his green light saber, he's usually being Yoda. But if he's wearing his swim trunks with his green light saber, then he's being Kit Fisto. Kit Fisto is some character that lives in the water or something so that's where the swim trunks come in. I think it's just pretty funny. If he comes into the living room or whatever in his swim trunks, we're like, "Hey, Kit Fisto." And he usually just says "hi."

Thursday's adventure

Today Jackson and I went to the Mall and visited a few places.
First of all, we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Here Jackson beat me in air hockey,

got his butt kicked in a Ninja Turtle video game,

And exchanged his tickets for some Bubba teeth.

After that, we went to the Dow plaything in the Mall where Jack tried his darnedest
to hide from the camera. This is the only picture he let me take. Great, huh?

Then we got some cookies and Jackson thought we should save the last two for Santa. For the first time in about three years, Jackson sat on Santa's lap. This is the first time in his life he has spoken to Santa. He told Santa that he wants a gold guitar and an amp for Christmas. Then he gave Santa the cookies. You can tell that Jackson was pretty nervous about the whole thing.

Then he "rode" a roller coaster.

I think he had a good time.

Greedo Hat

I bought this hat for Jackson recently for the colder weather. He likes to wear it and pretend to be Greedo from Star Wars, Episode IV. I don't even know what Greedo looks like or why he thinks this hat makes him look like Greedo. Whatever, I'm just glad he'll wear it if he needs to. Even if he does growl very strangely while he's wearing it.

From Santa

We ordered a Christmas present for Jack on Tuesday afternoon and it came the next day....from Oklahoma. Anyway, go to Phillip's blog to see what Santa will be bringing Jackson. I think he's going to be pretty excited....until the lessons start. We'll see how that goes.

For Sale

I noticed this nativity scene for sale on Monday and I finally got a picture of it. When I first saw it, I just thought it was an outdated, tacky nativity scene that these people were using to decorate their yard. But, oh no....it's for SALE! These people that live in this house are always selling stuff. Most of it looks like junk to me. It seems like they always have something in the front yard with a "for sale" sign on it. I guess they thought they would decorate for the season and make a few bucks at the same time. Is that synergy? So, anyway, if you're in the market for a nativity that's missing the baby Jesus, just drive down Sycamore towards Oyster Creek Drive. You can't miss it. I gotta wonder why they even put the broken (empty) little cradle thing there. I guess just the right person could fix it or something.






There was one day that they were selling some black box things. I don't know what they were. They looked like some boxes made of plywood and painted black or something. Anyway, I was driving home and passed by their house and this very nicely dressed man in a Lexus was out buying those boxes. It's like he was driving by and thought, "Hey, that's just what I need." Weird. Anyway, from old stationary bicycles to nativity scenes, if you need it, they'll probably be selling it in their yard eventually.

Still Waiting

Well, I got a call a few minutes ago from our agency worker. We are not in the group that was narrowed down for the 10 month old girl I posted about a couple of weeks ago. So, I'm pretty disappointed. But, that's just the way it goes. This could happen several more times before we're actually selected. The main thing that upsets me about this whole thing is that I feel like we were misled from the beginning. We were told that there were lots of babies available and that just doesn't seem to be the case. Oh well, we've waited this long and we can wait some more.

Just like Daddy's shoes

Mismatched

I think I wore mismatched flip flops the other day out in public. Of course, I didn't mean to. I have two pairs of flip flops that are both kind of teal on the bottom but the top parts are not really the same at all. Jack and I just went to the teacher supply store so it's like it was a big deal or anything. But I still think it's kind of funny. I didn't realize it until I got home and took my flip flops off before putting my feet on the couch. When I got up later I discovered that the flip flops in front of the couch did not match and that their partners were somewhere else. I wonder if anyone noticed. I think if I noticed a woman wearing mismatched shoes in public, I would tell her.

"Live or die, succeed or fail..."

I'm reading The Barbarian Way by Erwin McManus. I'm almost done with it. It's a pretty quick little book to read. Anyway, lately I've been toying with a couple of things (in my mind) that I want to try to accomplish....someday. And there's a part in this book that jumped out at me and made me want to commit.

"To be filled with the Spirit of God is to be filled with dreams and visions that are too compelling to ignore. Live or die, succeed or fail, barbarians must pursue and attempt such dreams and visions. The barbarian spirit dreams great dreams and finds the courage to live them." (100)

"For the Spirit of God to unleash dreams and visions within our souls, we must become free to risk and to fail. Every dream born of God is fueled by love. Every conversation to be had with God challenges the boundaries of our imagination." (101)

So, anyway, I've decided on a couple of things I want to have accomplished by my 30th birthday. And no, I'm not going to post what they are here. That's really beside the point...plus, I think you have to be careful who you share your dreams with...no offense. I told Phillip and I'm documenting it here for my own benefit. On January 15th, 2008 I'll be 30. And when that day comes, I'll let you know if I have accomplished what I want to accomplish.

What do you dream of doing? What is the thing you won't attempt because you are afraid you will fail? What keeps you up at night?

New Shoes

Jack got some new shoes the other day. He really likes these shoes because they look like Daddy's shoes.

A few things about Jackson

I just wanted to take a few minutes to write down some of the cool things about Jackson.

He knows what he likes....and what he doesn't like. He is an eternal optimist. He is very confident. He is brutally honest. He is understanding when others make mistakes. He is creative and clever beyond his years. He is not ashamed to share his musical abilities with anyone who will listen. He says, "I love you" a lot. He is sensitive to the moods and emotions of other people. He is a loyal friend.

I feel like a lucky Mom today.

Jackson is thankful for...

Jackson brought this turkey home from preschool today. It's kind of hard to read what is written at the top of the feathers. So, I'll help you out. Jackson is thankful for...

1. Clone Wars
2. Star Wars
3. Lego Star Wars
4. Lego Star Wars 1 (??)
5. My Family (phew, we made it!)

Jack singing revisited

Phillip and I were talking this morning about how much Jackson used to love the movie Shrek. He wanted to watch it all the time. He got lots of Shrek stuff for his second birthday. Anyway, we remembered that Phillip recorded Jackson singing the intro song from Shrek a while back. So, if you've been reading our blogs for a while, then you've heard this before. But I thought it was worth posting again.

So, here's Jackson about a month before his third birthday singing All Star by Smashmouth. It's hard to believe how much he's changed in two years. Enjoy.

Good question

This morning Jackson was eating his breakfast at the coffee table while watching cartoons. He gets so interested in the show that he forgets to keep eating. Anyway, I told him, "Eat or I'm going to turn the t.v. off." And he said, "What does the t.v. have to do with me eating?"

Looking down a hole

I took some pictures for some friends on Saturday. I'm really happy with the way most of the pictures turned out. This is one that is pretty much unusable as a "normal" picture. It's just way to dark and noisy. I messed with it quite a bit in Photoshop and I think the end result is kind of cool. Strange, but cool. Hopefully my friends don't mind me putting this on my blog. Didn't ask fist. Please don't get mad.

Jackson pictures

Dr. Granny

My mom bought Jackson a doctor's kit a week or so ago. He's been playing with it like crazy. She taught him how to talk to his "patient" to figure out what is wrong. He'll say things like, "What seems to be the trouble?" or "Oh, that ear looks a little red." He really takes the whole thing pretty seriously.

I found a first aid kit they gave us at our CPR training. It has some gauze and some gloves in there. Jackson was thrilled. He has been fascinated with gloves for probably a couple of years now. Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of Dr. Granny caring for her favorite patient. Notice how Jackson's leg is all bandaged up.

Submitted for a baby

Our home study is being submitted for an African American baby girl. She is 10 months old and in perfect health. Her biological parent's rights have been terminated and she is legally free for adoption. So, we should know something about her in a few weeks. Please just pray that this little girl would get the family she deserves, whether it's us or not.

Update

It turns out that we were not submitted for the 9 month old boy that I mentioned in a previous post. He lives in Waco and is still having weekly visits with his biological family. Obviously, we cannot make weekly visits to Waco. I really don't even know why they did an out of area broadcast for this baby. This process really doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense. Oh well, whatever. We'll just keep waiting. What else can we do?

Jack Fixed with photoshop

This is the before and after of a picture that I fixed somewhat in Photoshop. Not perfect, but much better. It's pretty amazing what you can do with the clone stamp thing. Notice how I got rid of the people in the background. Pretty cool.

Star Wars Gum Video

Jackson was playing in the kitchen with this gum for probably 10 minutes before I went and got the camera. And even after the video he continued to make up games with this gum. I just asked Phillip how long Jack played with the gum and he said, "We played gum for a long time." That's just a funny statement. Anyway, check out this video of Jackson playing with sticks of gum. It's "monster" gum for Halloween. That's why it's so big.

Foster Care Stuff

(I think) we were submitted for another baby yesterday. Our case worker person was going to check on something before she submitted us. But anyway, he's a nine month old Caucasian boy. That's about all I know. Other than that, not much has been happening in that area of our lives.

She asked me yesterday if we would be willing to take a temporary foster placement just for a month or two. I hated to, but I told her no. That's just not what we're doing this for. Not at this point in our lives, anyway. It makes me feel a little guilty to know that we are licensed to be a temporary family for a kid or two, but we don't want to. The people who are willing to do that must be made of some stuff that we're not. I just can't see bringing a kid into this family that we know without a doubt will be leaving just as soon as we get used to him or her. Jackson couldn't understand that. We can't commit our parents to help us with some kid that has no chance of being their grandkid. But still, I feel guilty. I know there aren't enough good foster homes in Texas. I know that we could give a child a great temporary home. But selfishly, we just don't want to do it. And so, right now, we won't.

I told someone today that my goal is to have a baby by Christmas. Like I have any control whatsoever of accomplishing that "goal." I'm planning on waiting until the last possible day to start on our Christmas cards just in case we have another member to add to the photo. I'm sure all that means really is that our Christmas cards will be late.

Keeping Him Close By

Phillip and I have discovered an AWESOME radio station out of Houston. It is 105.7 KHCB (Keeping Him Close By). We wake up to it every morning on our alarm clock. It makes us jump out of bed to begin our glory filled day. You should check it out for such things as uplifting inspirational thoughts, beautiful choral arrangements, and prayers spoken in the authorized King James Version.

Experimentation

We got a new camera today. Some friends are buying our other camera from us. This camera does a lot of stuff and I don't know how most of it works. I took a few pictures today with it. I'll have to mess with it in the daylight. We also have Photoshop now and I've been trying to figure it out. So much of this stuff is trial and error and I don't have much patience for that. Anyway, this is a picture of Jackson that I took this evening outside and messed around with in Photoshop. Looks kinda weird.

Barbie and her pets

I saw a commercial this morning for a Barbie that comes with a dog that poops. Barbie can clean up the poop with her special magnetic pooper scooper and throw it in the trash can. And she looks great doing it, too, doesn't she?

Isn't that fun? I went to the Barbie web site and found that you can also buy another kind of Barbie that comes with a kitty cat that pees in a litter box. Great.

So, now you can pretend to do the worst things about having pets. (That sentence didn't really make sense, but you know what I'm getting at.)

Sharks

Jackson asked me a little while ago if cats and dogs and people are afraid of sharks. I said, "yes." Then he said, "I bet dolphins are too. And even crabs too. And I think babies are afraid of sharks."

So, there you go. Just in case you were sitting around wondering what animals might be afraid of sharks. Now you know.

Got the Saxophone

Well, I got my new (old) saxophone earlier today. I took it to our local music store and had the woodwind repair guy take a look at it. He was pleasantly surprised at the shape that it's in. It really is a nice looking horn. It seems much heavier than any other tenor that I've had before. It needs to be repadded and has a couple of other issues that need to be fixed. I went ahead and left it with him. He'll probably have it fixed in a month or so. After I get it repaired, it will be worth about twice as much as I put into it....I think. But, I'm not planning on selling it. It should be a really nice horn once it's fixed.