Jackson pictures

Dr. Granny

My mom bought Jackson a doctor's kit a week or so ago. He's been playing with it like crazy. She taught him how to talk to his "patient" to figure out what is wrong. He'll say things like, "What seems to be the trouble?" or "Oh, that ear looks a little red." He really takes the whole thing pretty seriously.

I found a first aid kit they gave us at our CPR training. It has some gauze and some gloves in there. Jackson was thrilled. He has been fascinated with gloves for probably a couple of years now. Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of Dr. Granny caring for her favorite patient. Notice how Jackson's leg is all bandaged up.

Submitted for a baby

Our home study is being submitted for an African American baby girl. She is 10 months old and in perfect health. Her biological parent's rights have been terminated and she is legally free for adoption. So, we should know something about her in a few weeks. Please just pray that this little girl would get the family she deserves, whether it's us or not.

Update

It turns out that we were not submitted for the 9 month old boy that I mentioned in a previous post. He lives in Waco and is still having weekly visits with his biological family. Obviously, we cannot make weekly visits to Waco. I really don't even know why they did an out of area broadcast for this baby. This process really doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense. Oh well, whatever. We'll just keep waiting. What else can we do?

Jack Fixed with photoshop

This is the before and after of a picture that I fixed somewhat in Photoshop. Not perfect, but much better. It's pretty amazing what you can do with the clone stamp thing. Notice how I got rid of the people in the background. Pretty cool.

Star Wars Gum Video

Jackson was playing in the kitchen with this gum for probably 10 minutes before I went and got the camera. And even after the video he continued to make up games with this gum. I just asked Phillip how long Jack played with the gum and he said, "We played gum for a long time." That's just a funny statement. Anyway, check out this video of Jackson playing with sticks of gum. It's "monster" gum for Halloween. That's why it's so big.

Foster Care Stuff

(I think) we were submitted for another baby yesterday. Our case worker person was going to check on something before she submitted us. But anyway, he's a nine month old Caucasian boy. That's about all I know. Other than that, not much has been happening in that area of our lives.

She asked me yesterday if we would be willing to take a temporary foster placement just for a month or two. I hated to, but I told her no. That's just not what we're doing this for. Not at this point in our lives, anyway. It makes me feel a little guilty to know that we are licensed to be a temporary family for a kid or two, but we don't want to. The people who are willing to do that must be made of some stuff that we're not. I just can't see bringing a kid into this family that we know without a doubt will be leaving just as soon as we get used to him or her. Jackson couldn't understand that. We can't commit our parents to help us with some kid that has no chance of being their grandkid. But still, I feel guilty. I know there aren't enough good foster homes in Texas. I know that we could give a child a great temporary home. But selfishly, we just don't want to do it. And so, right now, we won't.

I told someone today that my goal is to have a baby by Christmas. Like I have any control whatsoever of accomplishing that "goal." I'm planning on waiting until the last possible day to start on our Christmas cards just in case we have another member to add to the photo. I'm sure all that means really is that our Christmas cards will be late.

Keeping Him Close By

Phillip and I have discovered an AWESOME radio station out of Houston. It is 105.7 KHCB (Keeping Him Close By). We wake up to it every morning on our alarm clock. It makes us jump out of bed to begin our glory filled day. You should check it out for such things as uplifting inspirational thoughts, beautiful choral arrangements, and prayers spoken in the authorized King James Version.

Experimentation

We got a new camera today. Some friends are buying our other camera from us. This camera does a lot of stuff and I don't know how most of it works. I took a few pictures today with it. I'll have to mess with it in the daylight. We also have Photoshop now and I've been trying to figure it out. So much of this stuff is trial and error and I don't have much patience for that. Anyway, this is a picture of Jackson that I took this evening outside and messed around with in Photoshop. Looks kinda weird.

Barbie and her pets

I saw a commercial this morning for a Barbie that comes with a dog that poops. Barbie can clean up the poop with her special magnetic pooper scooper and throw it in the trash can. And she looks great doing it, too, doesn't she?

Isn't that fun? I went to the Barbie web site and found that you can also buy another kind of Barbie that comes with a kitty cat that pees in a litter box. Great.

So, now you can pretend to do the worst things about having pets. (That sentence didn't really make sense, but you know what I'm getting at.)

Sharks

Jackson asked me a little while ago if cats and dogs and people are afraid of sharks. I said, "yes." Then he said, "I bet dolphins are too. And even crabs too. And I think babies are afraid of sharks."

So, there you go. Just in case you were sitting around wondering what animals might be afraid of sharks. Now you know.

Got the Saxophone

Well, I got my new (old) saxophone earlier today. I took it to our local music store and had the woodwind repair guy take a look at it. He was pleasantly surprised at the shape that it's in. It really is a nice looking horn. It seems much heavier than any other tenor that I've had before. It needs to be repadded and has a couple of other issues that need to be fixed. I went ahead and left it with him. He'll probably have it fixed in a month or so. After I get it repaired, it will be worth about twice as much as I put into it....I think. But, I'm not planning on selling it. It should be a really nice horn once it's fixed.

Trick or Treat

Phillip and Jackson are out getting free candy. I'm at home making lasagna and giving away free candy. I think maybe later we'll go out to the college. I think they're having some Halloween thing. Maybe I'll wear the Batman(girl?) thing. Not sure.

Time change

This time change is not working out for our family. I'm giong to protest. Sunday morning Jackson woke up at 6:00. Monday morning and this morning it was 6:30. He has no clue what time it is. But I do. And I don't want him to be awake that early.

Little cat

This morning before church this little cat showed up on our porch. Jackson and I went out and pet it for a little while. Jack wanted to keep it and name it, but I told him that it has a home and we can't keep it. He wanted to name it "Jackson the cat." When we got back home after church, it was gone. But now it's back. It's just made itself home in Travis' old spot. It has a flea collar so I'm sure it belongs to somebody, but you can't exactly make kittens stay in a yard. Anyway, if it hangs around for a little while, I'm going to have to feed it....and probably name it.....and well, you know, keep it. Is there a law against that?

Thinking about homeschooling

I have never thought that homeschooling was a good idea. I had no idea why parents did it. And I swore I never would.

But.....now that I am a parent, and our kid is approaching school age, I'm thinking about it. That does not mean that we've decided that's what we're doing. We're just thinking about the pros/cons, etc. I'm not sure if I'm organized and disciplined enough to do it right. I know that Jack needs social interaction other than church. I also know that he is kind of a home body and not terribly comfortable in crowds. I don't want to make that worse. But the school system is slowly going down from what I've heard from friends/family that are in the biz. We will not be able to afford Christian schooling until I am working full time, which is not going to happen for several more years. I don't like the idea of my kid being at school for 7 hours or more to learn about 3 hours worth of material and then have to come home and do an hour or two of homework. I don't want to miss out on that much of his life. But this can't be about me. I can't homeschool him because I will miss him. That's just not a good enough reason, I guess. So, anyway, it's just something we're considering right now. We've got some time.

Just little

It seems like our various situations are so big and overwhelming and just unmanageable.

Jackson sometimes likes to think of himself as big. He likes to think that he's bigger than we are. That's a normal thing for a four year old to think. But several times in the last few days he has told us, "Mom, Dad, we're all little. Even I'm little. Everything is little." I don't think he's trying to be "deep." But, man, the wisdom in that statement is just overwhelming to me. Right now, when our fears and worries seem so big, he is reminding us that they're really not. This is not to say that our lives or our problems are insignificant. But when we view those things in the greatness of God, we are certainly little.


"If you picture Time as a straight line along which we have to travel,then you must picture God as the whole page on which the line is drawn. We come to the parts of the line one by one: we have to leave A behind before we get to B, and cannot reach C until we leave B behind. God, from above or outside or all round, contains the whole line, and sees it all."
- C.S. Lewis Mere Christianity

Looks like I was wrong

The horn I am getting is not a "New Wonder" as the seller said it was but a "Wonder." The serial number indicates that it was made prior to the "New Wonder." Which means that it is not as valuable as I originally thought it was. But it will still be a very good instrument once it has some repairs. I'm stil very happy with the price, just not as stunned. It is from 1916.

I won!! I won!!! I'm so EXCITED!!!

I just won that auction for the tenor sax. It is a Conn New Wonder Series 1 "Chu Berry" tenor from the early 1920's. Maybe talking about how much you spent on stuff is tacky, but oh well. I just got that horn for $305.00, plus shipping. I've seen that same horn go for between $900-2,000. It is valued at about $2800 if in mint condition, which this one is not. It will need to be repadded and recorked. But the body looks great. Here are some pictures from the auction. The case is horrible in a cool way. I'll probably have to replace it.










It will probably cost an additional $350 to get it in good playing condition. And that is a dang good deal for a horn like this. I sold my sax about four years ago and I have wanted it back ever since. I am really thrilled that I got this one at this price. Now I just hope that everything is as it should be when I get the actual horn. Hopefully the seller was straightforward about everything. It may take a few months to get it ready to play, but I'm one step closer to having a saxophone again.

Bidding on ebay at the last second is a total rush.

Strange brass horn

I was looking up musical instrument repair companies in Houston on google and I came across Fleming Instrument Repair. Check out these pictures that are under their "fun" section.


Pretty cool, huh?








B.T.W. the reason I was looking at that site is because I'm hoping to win an ebay auction in about six minutes for an old Tenor Sax Conn New Wonder. It dates from about 1920 and will need some work if I get it. It looks like I may be able to get it for a good price. The person that's selling it spelled "saxophone" wrong in the description which is probably why there has not been much interest in it. These horns in good playing condition are valued at over $2000. We'll see. If I win it, I'll be posting some pictures. If I don't, I'll be pouting. Gotta go. Can't be distracted.

Finally heard something

Well, I finally heard from our agency about those two babies we were submitted for. They have both been placed with other families. So.....again.....we wait.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6

Conversation with Jackson

Jackson and I just had an interesting conversation. It went something like this......

Jackson: (with lightsaber in hand) When I grow up, will I be a real Jedi?

Me: (crushing his dreams) No, Jackson. Jedi aren't really real. They're just characters in a movie. When you grow up you might be daddy or a husband or a teacher or doctor or fireman or something like that.

Jackson: After I do all those things, then will I be a real Jedi?

Me: No. Nobody grows up to be a real Jedi. Jedi are not real people.

Jackson: I wish Jedi were real. Don't you wish that, Mom?

Me: Sure.

Jackson: I think everybody wishes that.

Fun with Gimpshop

We have Gimpshop now on our computer. It's kind of like Photoshop but it's free. Anyway, I've been messing with it a little but I don't really know how to do anything very complicated yet. One of the guys that works at our church office asked me to put our pastor's head on some bodies. So, this is the end result. I think Greg is going to be surprised with these on the big screen in the Student Service on Sunday night. I don't think he looks at my blog very often so I hope he doesn't see these. And please don't tell him if you know him. Let him be surprised.

Build a (fake) Bear

Phillip and I had nothing to do this evening so we went to our horrible mall. We now have a Wacky Bear at our mall. It's basically a Build a Bear knockoff. They even have a stuffing machine and little red hearts that you stick in your bear before it's sewn up. But Wacky Bear's website looks pretty junky compared to Build a Bear's. And their "furry friends" look like they're lower quality. But Wacky Bear has these blinking hearts that you can put inside the bear. I don't really get what the point of that is because you probably can't see it once it's inside the bear. Whatever.

Searching

I wrote this a couple of months ago. I just thought I would share it here.



I think that when things go terribly wrong and leave us shaken, those things can either damage us or begin to complete us. We choose what we do with those things. It is not a one-time choice and then it’s done. It is a daily, maybe even more often, decision.

I think that there is this person that I am meant to become. In a perfect world where everyone does everything right, I would have no problem becoming and maintaining myself as I am meant to be. But our reality is ridiculously far from perfect. So far that I wonder why we even have the word “perfect” in our vocabulary. When I think about what it has cost for me to have a greater understanding of myself and God, I feel very ashamed. Like why couldn’t I have learned those things without the pain. Maybe if I had been smarter or more insightful or whatever, I wouldn’t have had to loose four babies in a row to get it. And the thing is that I still don’t get it. I seem to regress all the time in what I thought I knew. Slowly, I begin to loose sight of the things that I held onto for life during the hard times. They are all taken for granted. And I begin to worry about what it will take for me to not be so flippant about what I have. What or who will be taken next?

But that sure puts me in a higher position that what I should be in, I think. Like the babies were sacrificed so that I might have a deeper meaning to my life. Like my finding myself was more important than their existence. And I don’t believe that. Strange thoughts dance around in your head when you are trying so desperately to figure out the reason behind certain events. Who am I to try and find a reason for any of it anyway? Who are any of us to try to do that? We search. That’s what we do in this life. We search for things. And understanding is just one of those things we search for.

Poof Off

Jackson told Phillip and me to "Poof off" a little while ago. Thankfully both of us were in the kitchen so he didn't see us trying to not to laugh as we told him that was NOT a nice thing to say. But I think I like it. I think I'm going to start using that when I want people to go away.

Speak up or shut up?

How do you know when you should speak up about something or just keep your mouth shut? How do you know if what you think is even important enough to be heard by other people? If people ask you for your opinion, does that really mean they want it....even if it's totally not what they want to hear?

For the most part, I just say what I think. Usually I try to rephrase the thoughts before they come out of my mouth into something a little more "user friendly." I do care what people think about me, just not enough to always agree with them. More than caring what they think about me, I just don't like to offend people or hurt their feelings. But sometimes that can't be avoided. I don't really like confrontation but I see the value in it.

I really hate the moment of being faced with a decision to say what it is I'm thinking or keep it to myself. And then so many times, the moment is gone and I wish I had said whatever it was.

My sister told me once that she would rather regret saying something than regret not saying it. I'm just not sure about that.

Kit Fisto in a tire swing

Jackson decided that Kit Fisto wanted to play on the Little People play ground. I sure hope he doesn't scare all the little children.

Jackson "wrote" a song several months ago about Kit Fisto. It's kind of along the same lines as the Obi-Wan song he "wrote" a while back. I sounds quite a bit like the Batman theme song except the words are

"Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na
Kit Fisto"

At the Pumpkin Patch

We went over to the pumpkin patch by our house and I got some pictures. Jackson wasn't thrilled to be posing for me. The fourth one down is pretty pitiful.

Parenting is hard

I talked with two of Jack's teachers today at the preschool. And they did not have very positive things to tell me about the way Jackson has been behaving. It makes me really sad to say it, but he is not the compliant, sweet little boy that he was a couple of years ago. He has gotten it in his head that he runs the show and it needs to stop. I think it's really easy for only children to develop this mindset. The hard truth is that I am starting to not like the person that he is becomming. All of the people who are strong influences in his life have some work to do. And I am putting myself at the top of that list. I spend more time with him than anyone else so it has to start with me.

I unplugged the xbox and put it away for atleast a week. If he keeps acting the way he's been acting lately, he's not going to get it back. And I'll continue to take more stuff away if that's what needs to be done.

I used to work with preschool kids. And I had some kids that I just flat out did not like. I dreaded seeing them coming. I thanked God when they missed a day. And I had to totally fake like I was glad to see them when they came back. And I do not want my son to be one of those kids. And more importantly, I don't want him to become one of those adults that people hate to be around.

I'm not exactly sure when he began to act like this and I'm not exactly sure what has caused it. But it has become a problem and it is our responsibility as his parents to see that it stops.

On a (sort of) funny side note.... his music teacher told me that he doesn't want to do any of the things they are doing in music class because he is too busy pretending to be Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader or other Star Wars characters. I know he's a four year old boy and I also know that the things they do in music class are pretty silly. But it's still not o.k. for him to disobey his teachers.

Without the camera

Jackson and I went to the park after church this morning. I decided to leave the camera at home. So, instead of taking lots of pictures and getting on Jackson's nerves, I played with him. I climbed, I swung, I slid. I still managed to get on his nerves. But I think he was very glad that we came without the camera. Besides, I've gotten so many pictures of him at that dang park, they're all beginning to look the same.

I want to capture his childhood. I want to be able to remember what he looked like at every stage of his life. I want a tangible memory of every expression. But most of the time he just wants me to put the camera down and play with him. I think what he remembers about me is more important than what I remember about him. I don't need to forget that.

Scooby Doo the Narc

Jackson was watching a Pup Named Scooby Doo this morning on Cartoon Network. It's a really stupid show. Somehow it's even stupider (is that a word??) than the original Scooby Doo. It's like all the teens are little kids and Scooby is a puppy. Really dumb. Seriously.

Anyway, he was watching it and all of a sudden they pull some kind of background check on a "suspect" and say that he used to be a champion skateboarder until he got involved in drugs. Drugs. Who is their target audience here? I would think anyone who would have any interest in watching this show would be under the age of six. Anyway, they were talking about how drugs can really mess up your life and all that stuff. Which is true, but does my four year old need to hear about drugs yet? We're still working on "stranger danger" and private parts. At the end, they find out that this guy was pretending to be some kind of monster to cover up some kind of drug trafficing. I'm not kidding. I was just waiting for Jackson to say, "What is drugs?" But he didn't. He was probably too busy thinking about what a stupid show it was.

I guess on the next episode they'll be trying to nab a pimp posing as Count Dracula or something. I don't think we'll be watching that show anymore.

Prersectly

Jackson just drew something "presectly" for me.

Not precisely, not exactly, but presectly.

Two Things

I have two things to tell you.

First of all there are two women that walk in the mornings around 8:30 in my neighborhood. I don't see them everyday, but I see them a couple of times a week. I think it's a mother and a daughter because one woman looks like an older version of the other one. Anyway, the older one never wears shoes. They walk several blocks away from where the younger one lives. And she's always barefoot. I occasionally walk outside of my own house to the car barefoot. I know that some people think that is totally gross. But anyway, just think of all the loogies that she steps on. I don't even know how to spell loogie, but I'm sure someone will inform me.


Ok, second thing. Our homestudy was submitted today for another baby. This one is a five month old boy who is Cuban/Hispanic. We should know something in a couple of weeks about both of the babies we have been submitted for.

Girl...Boy....what difference does it make?

Well, as you may have read a few days ago, I've been questioning whether or not we should have requested a girl. And after talking about it, Phillip and I decided that we really, really don't care. So, I called the agency yesterday and told them that they can start looking for either girls or boys for us. So, we'll have some pink things to put away if a boy comes along but that's fine. If we get a boy this time around, I hope we can get a girl down the road. We've got lots of boy clothes in the attic that I can get down and wash. So, anyway, just thought I'd let you know.

Baby for the weekend, Part II

I have another chance to get my baby fix for a little while. Which is good because my fix from "the temp" has worn off and I'm getting anxious again for the phone call. We will have a little kiddo from Thursday until Saturday evening. This one is not a foster child. He's a friend of the family's baby. His belly is HUGE!! Right now he's taking a nap, so I'm going to try and squeeze a nap in as well.

Not so groovy

The Phil Collins song Groovy Kind of Love has been bouncing around in my head for a few days now. It will go away and then all of a sudden, I catch myself humming it or whistling it again. I have no idea why. There must be some other tune or something that's somewhat similar that's triggering that in my head.

What to do....what to do.....

As some of you know, we are waiting and waiting for a foster/adopt placement. We've been able to accept placements for three months now and still nothing. We figured since we could choose a gender, we would go for a girl. We had no reason to believe it would take any longer to get a girl than a boy. They are usually equally "available." But apparently every infant that has come along, has either been a boy or part of a sibling group that they are wanting to keep together. And it seems that the longer we wait, the more I wonder if we (I) have made a mistake reqesting a girl. Phillip never cared. I pretty much talked him into the girl thing. And I am beginning to seriously second guess myself. If they came over right now with a baby boy, we'd glady take him. Neither one of us really care a whole lot. I know I want a girl someday. But I'm just beginning to wonder if now is just not the time for that. I don't know. I don't think we should stick to our guns just simply because we have some girly things in the nursery that we'd rather not put away or replace. That doesn't seem like a good reason. Anyway, I've really been in some turmoil over this the last couple of weeks. Am I just getting impatient? I just don't know.

House Cleaning Tunes

My mom and Jackson are spending the day together so I'm taking the day to clean the house. Anyway, I like to listen to music while I clean to make the experience more bearable. Today I chose Robbie Seay Band's Ten Thousand Charms. Out of their cds that I've heard, I think this one is their best one. Anyway, I wanted to take a break from cleaning to just put the lyrics to one of the songs on here.

Peace

calmer than the sky
far away so blue
land of living God
grant your peace on earth

we can feel you move
and cannot stay the same
the winds are blowing strong
God of heaven come

breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
so we might breathe you deep
breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
land of the living God

if we are in the way
move us to the side
God forgive our wrongs
rest your hands on us

all the world is yours
let us not forget
it was you who bore the cross
God of comfort breathe

breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
so we might breathe you deep
breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
land of the living God

Funeral Fun

This evening we went to Phillip’s parent’s house for a little while. While we were there, we got to talking about funerals and how we would want our funerals to be and that kind of thing. Donald, Phillip’s dad, preached two funerals today and that’s kind of what brought the topic up. Anyway, Donald had some pretty funny things to say about how he wants his funeral to be. First of all, he wants to preach his own funeral because he’s pretty sure that nobody else could do as good of a job. I guess that would mean recording himself doing his own eulogy. I just think the idea of that is so funny. But he said that he would have to redo it every few years just to keep it current. Also, he doesn’t want to be laid in a casket. He wants to be stood upright in front of everybody. That’s just gross. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen.

Somewhat along the same lines, several years ago Phillip and I came up with a great idea for a funeral home business. The slogan would be “We put the FUN in funeral.” And we could offer clown makeup for the deceased and have jugglers or whatever. Maybe instead of a hearse we could try to cram the casket into a VW Beetle. Most funerals are just too dang somber. I think in our original conversation about this, one of us said, “We could make a killin’.” Ok, that’s just tacky.

So, I’ve been thinking this evening about what I would want my funeral to look like. I’m not planning on going belly up any time soon, but it’s something worth thinking about. Now keep in mind, this is the 28 year old me saying all of this. When I’m 85 I may not feel the same way about some of this stuff. First of all, it must be casual. No stuffy suits or panty hose. And I’m debating about whether or not I would want to be cremated. I found out this evening that a plot at Restwood is about $4,000.00 and that’s just ridiculous. Out of principle, I just don’t think I would want them to get that much money to bury me in the ground. But whatever, if my family wants to blow the life insurance, who am I to stop them? But I really think an open casket would be a bad idea. I’m extremely pale while alive and I just can’t imagine how ghastly I would look without any blood running through my veins. But again, I guess that would be up to my family. I’m not going to be looking at me. Maybe some people could tell some stories about some funny things I have done or said over the years. I was trying to think about what kind of music I would want and I’m still not real sure about that. I’m think maybe The Mambo King sound track at the beginning while everyone is coming in and finding their seats. And I think the Veggie Tales hit, “His Cheeseburger” would be a good one as people are leaving. No real reason why. Just to make them wonder, that’s all. So, anyway, that’s about all I’ve got right now.

Seriously, though, I hope to live until I’m an old woman. But not old enough to be incontinent and senile. I hope I die before that happens. I hope I live long enough to meet my grandchildren and great grandchildren. I hope I live long enough for hours and hours worth of stories.

Advice

What is some of the best advice you've ever gotten? Here's a few words of wisdom that I have gotten here and there over the years.

- Don't make major life decisions right in the middle of tragedy or very emotional times.
- Always say "thank you" when someone pays you a complement even if you don't think you deserve it.
- Find something you're good at doing and do more of it.
- You can't spoil a baby. They're only little for a little while so hold them while you can.
- Don't be grumpy.
- Something funny can be found in just about every situation.
- Remove the word "divorce" from your vocabulary.

Oh, Tom

Jackson has discovered Tom and Jerry cartoons. He loves them. He laughs so hard he almost quits breathing. I don't get what's so funny about them but whatever. Atleast it's getting his mind off of Star Wars for a little while. He really likes the part at the very beginning where Tom takes the place of the roaring lion and meows a couple of times. Jackson's got the meow down pretty good. Sometimes while Jackson is watching it, he'll just say, "Oh, Tom."

I HATE going to the grocery store

Do some people actually enjoy grocery shopping? Do some people feel a rush as they whip through the aisles comparing prices and finding just the right item to complete their evening meal? When I go to the grocery store, I want to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. I rarely make eye contact and if I do, I give a half hearted smile because I know we are sharing the same agony. I can usually get in and out of the store in about 15-20 imnutes and drop around $50 bucks doing it. Sure, I forget stuff and have to go back to get two or three things a couple of days later. And I'm probably drawing out my agony by not taking my time and getting enough groceries for two weeks. But at the time it's all happening, I just have to get in and get out.

But it really seems that every time I go to the store there are lots of people just taking their sweet time meandering through the store or stopping right in the middle of everything just to stare off into space or tie their shoes or make small talk. It seems like every time I go I'm surrounded by people who are completely obvlious to the fact that there are other people who would like to buy some stuff too. I try to wait patiently for the woman and her 80 year old father and her three kids to pick out the perfect bell pepper. I really do. But inside I'm thinking "What's the matter with you??!! Come on people, just grab a stinking pepper!! They're all basically the same!!!" All the while looking patient and calm and smiling if necessary.

I just went to the store....twice within 30 minutes. I left my wallet in the basket and had to go back for it. Yeah, there are drawbacks to trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Something to pray about

We got a call yesterday about a legal risk placement. What that means basically is that the plan for the child is to place her with a family who wants to adopt. But the reason it is called legal risk placement is because the rights are not yet terminated, but the plan is for termination to happen. Anyway, our home study is being submitted (along with many many others) for this particular baby. This baby has not yet been born. We are really not getting our hopes up because our agency said there could possibly be 100 home studies submitted for this one child. Some panel of people will narrow it down to several families and then an advocate for those families will present them as a potential family for this child. Then they will choose a family based on who knows what. Anyway, just thought some of you might want to know about it. We really just want the child that is supposed to be ours. And it is very likely that this is not the one. But right now there's a little baby girl who will be taken from her birth mother as soon as she is born and placed with a family like us. So, just pray that that baby goes where God wants her to go and that our baby finds her way to us.

I'm beginning to put an album together on shutterfly just in case we are in the running once they narrow it down. Shutterfly has a really cool tool on their site to make a photo book. There are lots of different background, font, layout choices. I made one a month ago and they have improved it a LOT since then.

Fun at the pool

We went to a pool party this evening. As you can tell from these pictures, Jackson had a good time. We left early.

More pictures of Jackson

I took some pictures of Jackson today at MacLean Park. I'm trying to practice a little with posed shots. Most of the pictures I take of him are just candid. I'm going to be taking some pictures of some adults and teenagers for this ministry thing that our church is doing. I have done almost no adult photography so we'll see how it goes. I've taken a few already and they have turned out pretty good. We're thinking about investing in Photoshop and maybe even a nicer camera down the road.

I would kind of like to get some practice at taking pictures of adults and families and stuff so if any of you guys would like me to get some pictures of your kids or family, I'd be glad to. Who knows if they will turn out or not. But I'd love to try.

I'm back

Man, I have thoroughly neglected this blog lately. I got over my little illness a few days ago so I have no excuse. I really believe that Zicam actually kept me from getting sicker than I did. It was still a pretty rough few days.

Anyway, on to other things.

Last Sunday evening (over a week ago) before I started feeling like garbage, we went to a church in Pearland. We had been there once before and I'm sure we'll go back. Jackson really had a good time. I learned a couple of things that night.

First of all, the pastor talked about idol worship. And I know all about putting stuff, jobs, people, whatever above God. I know that this is essentially worshipping those things instead of God. But I hadn't really thought too much about that being a problem in my life. Sure, I put my time, thoughts, money, talents, etc. into many other areas. But I don't lay prostrate in reverence to these things. I don't chant and burn incense hoping to gain favor with the god of family, friends, work, whatever.

The pastor talked about how we have our own little "self perceived hells." Like driving this crappy car is "hell." Or living in this little old house is "hell." Or only having one child and not being able to have anymore.... is "hell." So, anyway, we have these hells in our lives and then we consume ourselves thinking about the thing(s) that could save us from this hell. We make jobs, cars, stuff, people our "savior" instead of Jesus.

Anyway, he asked some questions just to help us think about what we may be putting before God. I don't remember very many of them, but here are a few.

- What do you spend most of your time thinking about?
- What do you talk about to people?
- How do you identifiy yourself?
- What do you complain the most about?
- What do you want more than anything else?

So then, if we attain the thing or solve the problem that will get us out of our "hell" then we just move on and discover another "hell" that we need saving from. I have known for some time that I tend to put my family above God. And not only that, but I have pretty much told God that he can take anything else from me...but they are off limits and He better back off. My anticipated hell is loosing the two people in this world I am convinced I cannot live without. And I worry about that a lot. I also have really been putting this "imaginary" baby who we don't even know yet above God. That baby has already claimed a good bit of my time, worry, and money and she may not even be born yet. How crazy is that? So, anyway, I'm really trying to focus my energies and thoughts away from my fears about what my family may or may not become and just be grateful for what God has given me.

Ok, so secondly, Phillip and I discovered that kids don't care much about the fluff that parents care about. Let me explain. I took Jackson into the children's area of this church and I didn't see any cool toys. Last time we went to this church I didn't leave Jack in the nursery because it didn't look like a lot of fun to me. The church we are currently members of have a fully equipped children's area. So anyway, this last time we went to the church in Pearland I left Jack anyway. I figured even if he didn't have any fun atleast he would be out of my hair for an hour. But much to my surprise, he had a blast. He didn't care one bit that there weren't toys to play with. They played games, pretended, colored, all kinds of stuff. He wants to go back. It's just funny to realize that so much of the stuff that churches provide for the children is really for the parents. It's our superficial desires that are being catered to.

Ok, I'm off to watch some of last season's episodes of The Office.

The Winning Dance

Jackson made up this dance a couple of months ago when he "won" a game of Candy Land against Uncle Josh and Ashley. Debbie recorded it the other night and we put it on You Tube. Notice the occasional booty shaking.

Sick as a dog

Check back in a few days for a post about what I recently learned about idol worship and how that relates to me...and you. Right now I feel like total crap and don't feel much like writing.

Peace out.

Look at my lip

Jackson and Phillip were play wrestling on the bed and Jack's lip and Phillip's fist accidentally collided. So this is Jackson showing off his busted lip.

Flickr link

Innocence

Sometimes I imagine myself as a child. Sweaty and stinky like a little puppy, running barefoot in the grass, chasing boys. Little girls can smell like puppies too. It’s not just a boy thing. I had a favorite t-shirt that said, “Anything boys can do, girls can do better.” Back then I really lived up to that t-shirt.

I think about that little girl and I want her to be spared from the pain of growing up. I wish I could shield her from it. I think about that cute little, carefree, tangled hair girl and I grieve for her. I wonder if she’s still hanging around. She will fall asleep so many times on a wet pillow. She will cry until she can’t squeeze out another drop. I long to go back to those days of innocence. I wonder with every gray hair I see and pluck out and every tear I hold back if I am further loosing myself forever. Other times I think I am more who I am meant to be now than I have ever been before. Things are so confusing. Life is such a puzzle. And I have never been any good at puzzles. Even when I was little and cute, I was no good at puzzles then either.

All of this makes me think about my son. What does his life hold for him? What will he endure? We all endure something. I couldn’t protect myself from hurt and I can’t really protect him either. I will try because that’s just what mothers do, but I will fail. My dreams for him are immeasurably great.

But I guess I can’t dwell on that stuff. Right now he’s little and cute and smells like a puppy and I’ll just hold onto that as long as I can.

Nightmare

I had a really bad dream last night, or I guess it was really this morning. Anyway, I was back in highschool, but I was the age/weight/life experience that I am now if that makes any sense. In the dream I was informed that I was needed to fill in for someone in a basketball game.

I don't play basketball.

So I put on these little shorts with my pasty white legs. I never wear shorts in public.....EVER. I went into the game...sort of. But basically they just wanted me to be in the court so our team would have enough "players" or they would have to forfeit. My shoes kept coming untied, but then when I would go to re-tie them, they were in knots. (Dreams don't usually make much sense.) So all I did the whole game was untie the knots in my shoes and tie them correctly so I could look down a minute later and they were in knots again.

This kind of thing really happened to me when I was a freshman in highschool. I attempted to play basketball my freshman year of highschool. But I was TERRIBLE. I never missed practice and I just never got any better. I never even learned how to do a lay-up. I never could get the opposite arm/leg thing going. They only put me in one game the whole season. They put me in because a girl broke her ankle and I was the only extra one there. It was so painful. We all had to play the rest of the game. We lost by like 50 points or something. I don't think I got a single basket, rebound, block....utterly pitiful. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.

Anyway, it was quite a relief to wake up this morning and realize that I wasn't really in very short shorts bending over messing with my shoes in front of hundreds of people. What a nightmare!

Not Travis

I got an e-mail about that cat. It's not Travis. Oh well. Jackson said that he wants to get a different cat than Travis anyway. There's a really cute orange and white cat at Petco. But I'm pretty sure Phillip will decline.

Children's Museum

We went to the Houston Children's Museum on Saturday. It was pretty cool and really cheap at only 5 bucks/person. Jackson had a good time. Man, you could stay in that place for three of four hours if you had the patience. We were there for an hour and a half. I'm just now getting around to posting some pictures.

Travis stuff

I tried to call the SPCA this morning but they don't open until Tuesday at noon. So, I'll try again tomorrow. I'm wondering if it is Travis, how much will I have to pay to get him back? I'm going to have to take Jackson with me, so I hope it's not some outrageous amount or they'll just have to keep him (not Jackson....Travis). We'll see what happens tomorrow. I know all of you are waiting in great anticipation.

Possible Travis sighting

I decided to check the Brazoria County SPCA website just to see if by some long shot Travis was there. And I found this picture of a cat named "Carter" who is an altered male. For those of you who know Travis well, what do you think? "Carter" is the brown striped cat. I e-mailed them and I plan on calling them first thing in the morning.



Below is a picture that we took of Travis in March. I really think it looks like the same cat. But I'd better not get my hopes up. I actually prayed for that cat last night. Just that if he is alive that we would be able to find him.

Hickin' up

I woke up with violent hick ups. Jack thinks it's pretty funny. A few years ago a little friend of ours (Reagan) was about Jack's age and when she had the hick ups she said that her mouth was hickin' up. We heard her say it one time and it has stuck. We use that phrase any time one of has the hick ups.

Somewhat along the same lines.....
It's funny how you kind of grasp onto little things that kids say and keep saying them long after the kid stops. We have many of those kinds of "sayings." Some are from Jackson, some are from my nieces who are now adults, some are from kids I babysat, or just various other kids we've known in our lives.

Lazy Week

I really don't have a whole lot to do this week. I don't have much going on at work. And that's good because I can't really be there anyway. Phillip is working and Jackson hasn't started pre-school yet so I need to be here to take care of him. I guess Jack and I will just be hanging out for the next two weeks.

Things went pretty good this weekend with the 14 months old kiddo. She's a good baby. Jack thought she was pretty funny but he didn't like her putting his toys in her mouth. Can't say I blame him. He got pretty insulted when I fixed her milk before his on Sunday morning. We'll see how he does when there's another kid in the house on a regular basis.

So unless we get a placement call this week or next, I'm just going to relax and enjoy not having much to do. Now that I saw a glimpse of how hard it will be to have two little kids, I'm not waiting by the phone for it to ring. We are just going to enjoy being the three of us until things change.

Have you seen Travis?

Our cat, Travis is gone. He faithfully never leaves the confines of our front yard or porch. But we haven't seen him since Wednesday or Thursday. I didn't really notice he wasn't around whining and driving me nuts until Thursday. I can't really imagine someone stealing him. And I don't know why anyone would hurt him because he doesn't bother anybody but us. Some squirrel has been eating the food that I put out for him on Thursday. I think the squirrel took him out so he could eat his food. I looked around the house a little bit tonight with a flashlight to see if I could find his dead body. I didn't see (or smell) anything. Maybe he just decided he didn't want to live with us anymore. That's fine. Whatever. I just hope he doesn't turn up in a few days hurt bad enough to go to the vet. I don't want to put out any money for that dang cat.

Ok, I'm a little concerned about him. I hope if he is dead, it was painless.

So far, so good

Things are going farily well with our temporary addition. She's doing amazingly well considering we are perfect strangers. She went to sleep last night about 9:00 and slept until 8:00 this morning. That's better than Jack has ever done in his life. And she uses a fork. I told Phillip this morning that I'm pretty sure Jack didn't use a fork this well when he was her age. And Phillip said, "He barely uses one now." Anyway, things are going good. She's fighting a nap right now so she's kind of hollering off and on. I know she wants me to go in there and pick her fanny up, but I'm trying to let her go to sleep on her own.

Having a one year old in the house has made us think about expanding our requested age for our placement. We could take a one year old. It's still pretty much a baby. And this is a really cool age. As of now we've requested 0-4 months. Anyway, we've got some thinking to do.

Baby for the weekend

Well, it looks like we might be getting our feet wet over the weekend. We got a call tonight asking if we would be willing to provide respite (relief) care for a one year old little girl for the weekend. I think we probably will. Jackson will be gone camping with the grandparents all weekend. So, it would be a good time to do it since he won't be here. Things have already been pretty confusing for him and he might not understand a baby coming just for a few days. So, anyway, those of you who go to our church, if you see us with another kiddo this weekend, she's not ours. She's just kind of a temp. It should be fun. We'll see.

Turtle

The other night Phillp and I were just talking about random stuff. We got to talking about Jackson and some of the things he does and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Well, I was laughing so hard I was crying. Phillip doesn't really do that. Anyway, we were talking about how Jack likes to be a "turtle" sometimes. The way he becomes a turtle is by putting the toilet lid down on his back while he's taking a poop. It drives me crazy. It's so gross! Every time he does it, I gripe at him about how gross that is and that he needs to stop. And every time he just calmly says, "But I'm a turtle." Some of the funniest things he has ever done or said have been while perched upon the toilet.

Stuck

I feel stuck. I am stuck. I wish I could write all about it, but I don't feel I have the freedom to that. Even writing what I am going to write won't sit well with some people.

I am not where I'm supposed to be. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm playing a game to keep people happy. I hate those kinds of games. And I'm pretty sure I'm not making anyone happy anyway. I know the things I am passionate about. I know my gifts. I know what burdens me. I know things about myself that many people live their whole lives and never figure out. But instead of doing those things, I am stuck doing things that I don't feel are valuable. That does not mean that those things are really unimportant. They just aren't important to me. I don't know where or what I am supposed to be doing that would fill this void. I want to be vital to something. Is that asking too much? I am vital to my family. I know they need me. And I'm afraid I'm giving them a fraction of myself because I'm being drained in other areas of my life. I have no one to blame but myself. I am allowing this to continue. I feel like I'm waiting for something. I feel like I'm waiting for someone to see something in me under the surface and tell me what I'm supposed to do with it. But that's not going to happen. Because others are too stuck in their own existance to help me release anything within myself just as I'm too stuck to be able to see others as they should be seen. There is something so blinding about going through the motions of life. Exhausting and blinding. I'm so tired and consumed with my unfulfilled life that I can't see through the fog. I am happy in so many areas. I have so much to look forward to. But at the core of who I am, I feel like I've missed the mark. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting on God to move. But I think the truth is that He is waiting on me.

What if He waits on me my whole life? How long will He wait before He throws up His hands and stops wasting His time? When will all the things He's given me begin to atrophy in such a way that I don't even feel the void anymore? I'm almost hoping for that.

Almost Perfect

Jackson was watching Noggin this morning when this song, I'm not Perfect came on. When she got to the part that says, "You're not perfect...." Jack said, "I am perfect." I'm glad he's confident and all, but we might need to start teaching him a little humility.

Flash Back

I was looking through some of Jackson's baby pictures and I came across these. These are probably two of the funniest baby pictures on the planet!!

What's the deal with w00t?

I gotta know. What does w00t mean? I mean, I know that it means like "wow" or "cool" or something like that. But does it stand for something? I thought it was just some strange Maury thing so I just blew it off, but I've seen other people write it too so now I'm curious. Phillip said that it's just some nerdy internet thing. But to the people who often use the "word" w00t, do you say "woot" outloud in your "virtual" life? Is "woot" part of your regular daily vocabulary? I think I would like to be around someone that said that instead of "wow" or "cool." I think that person would be very easy to make fun of without feeling guilty.

Waiting......

We are still waiting for the phone call. This is the worst part of the whole thing. Ok, that's not true. CPR/1st Aid training was the worst part. But this is pretty rough too. Every time the phone rings, I get all hopeful...and then it usually ends up being my mother. I'm not sleeping well because I'm so anxious. I'm just ready to get that baby in this house. I thought last Friday would be my last full Friday at work, but it's Friday again and I'm gearing up to go in all day. Once the baby gets here, I'm dropping my hours to less than half of what I'm working now. And I am VERY ready for that part of it too. Anyway, I know that we'll survive this part of it. And very soon we'll get the phone call we've been waiting for. I think I've heard somewhere that the last mile or two in a marathon is the hardest. Even after we get her, the marathon won't be over. Not until she's legally ours. And then, we'll probably start this whole process over again.

Audio File??

How do you add an audio file to a post? I was going to put one of Jackson's favorite songs on here for eveyone's listening pleasure, but I don't know how to do it. We have the song in Itunes. Phillip isn't home to help me.

Jackson stuff

Here's a couple more pictures that I took at the park on Sunday. I think these are the only two out of over 100 where he is actually looking at me and smiling.





I just thought of a kind of amusing Jackson moment that took place on Saturday evening. Jack was wearing a t-shirt that says "Mr. Genius." Our pastor's wife asked him what his shirt said and he said, "I don't know what it says." So much for the genius thing.

Jackson started crying yesterday morning after he woke up when he found out that Phillip had started back to work. It was pretty pitiful. After he stopped crying a little, he asked me if I would learn to play the Lego Star Wars video game. So, later that morning we played it for 30 minutes. It was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Ok, maybe not, but it was up there. I am absolutely horrible at video games. He was telling me what to do and where to go. He kept getting frustrated with me because I didn't know what the heck was going on. He told me a few times that it was o.k. for me to stop playing. He wanted to call Phillip a couple of times. I think (hopefully) he has decided that he doesn't want to play that with me anymore.

The Homestudy is done

Well, we finished up with the homestudy around 7:30. She was here about 2 1/2 hours. Things went fine, I guess. We had to talk to her about our childhood and family dynamic growing up. My family dynamic was not ideal I guess you could say. We had to talk about each one of our siblings, where they lived, their kids, married or single, what kind of relationship we have with them, etc. And since I have two brothers and two sisters I had quite a bit to cover. Anyway, it took me quite a bit longer to get through the story of my life than Phillip took with his.

Jackson was pretty shy with her at first. He wouldn't even look at her. But finally he came out of his shell a little and started showing her all his dang light sabers.

We could get a placement any day. Every time the phone rings I get all antsy.

In case you're wondering about the soup, it turned out good but very spicy. She was just writing the entire time she was here so we didn't stop to eat anything.